After seeing two guys bulldoze an old lady to get to the alcohol
at Ralphs last week, it dawned on us that the meaning of
“polite” has been lost on our generation.

The first thing we noticed were the free condoms sitting on
every table. Then we saw an adult film playing in a curtained-off
room. Naked couples chatted in the jacuzzi and there were couches
and beds for all the guests to get comfortable on.

The first thing we learn as Bruins is that we hate Trojans. You
throw away your red and yellow acceptance letter, attend
UCLA’s freshman orientation, and the crosstown loathing
begins.

In ancient Egyptian mythology there’s a great, in-depth
story about a penis.
In our much-shorter version that focuses only on the point we
find interesting, the god Osiris ends up with his body parts strewn
around the world.

In the 1800s, Britain dominated many people through imperialist
expansion of their empire. They came, they conquered, and they
benefited from it. Today, many people are like these colonies.

Sex. About half of UCLA students have it, the rest want it, but
very few make it a priority. And by “sex,” we mean
whatever level of lovin’ you engage in ““ from full-on
missionary to Amish hand holding.