Love Apptually: When Coffee Meets Bagel becomes part of the daily grind

Each week in “Love Apptually,” Daily Bruin staffers Nico Correia and Natalie Green will take turns attempting to find love in all of the wrong places: dating applications. To help thousands of loveless students, but mostly themselves, Correia and Green will test run and rate five dating apps over the course of one quarter.

I like coffee. I like bagels. I thought Coffee Meets Bagel would be the app for me.

But I was sadly mistaken.

Although the app’s original algorithm only revealed one curated match at noon each day, one apparently wasn’t enough because upon downloading, I received six “bagels,” or men, every day. Think of all of the carbohydrates!

The logistics were difficult for me to figure out. I was rewarded with “beans” for connections as well as for passing on my bagels. With the coffee beans, I could connect with extra daily bagels under the discover option. And like Tinder, if it’s a match, either person can start a message thread.

Connections remain for a week, so users must exchange off-app contact info pre-disappearance. The app consistently sent me alerts promising the best bagels if I talked to my matches.

I was annoyed that the app didn’t stick to its original schema of one bagel a day – because no one believes in the “one” anymore. But I was more annoyed that a prospective lawyer on it questioned what “exactly” I want to do with writing if not becoming a teacher.

Maybe I’m just cranky because I’m behind in school and my future nonexistent career – and I can’t justify spending time I don’t have looking at strangers’ faces or messages. Every time I pressed “woo” on a bagel and there wasn’t a match, I scowled. Because right now, I’m tired, and I don’t believe in love, apptually.

I don’t think I’ll continue with dating apps post-column. They aren’t made for people who forget to go on them and respond to messages. And I’m simply much more charming in person.

But in rebuttal to my mother’s comment about dating apps existing as a pillar of the pornographication of our generation, I will say that every single man I’ve spoken to has been nice. And Coffee Meets Bagel helped to prove my point.

They’ve asked me about my day, my interests and my writing. To my chagrin, they’ve complimented my (obvious) beauty and intelligence, and a few of them have made the effort to read this column. Even more have asked how they can help.

Sure, they might want to do more than take me out for a drink, but what’s so wrong about that? Almost all of them seem genuinely concerned about being good guys, too. And they’re apparently worried just as much about my future as I am.

In fact, I fear that I’m the one without pure intentions. Some of these men are seriously looking for someone, and I feel guilty – especially after sending this text to last column’s taco man:

“You’re falling in love with me! Look at that heart ^^”

I realized shortly after the aforementioned text, that this man – who I have never met in person – really was very openly interested in me, and I didn’t see that much potential after a handful of texting exchanges.

So I decided to act my age for once and do what all the kids are doing: not respond to his message. But I promised myself if he double texts I’ll try to be mature and apologize.

Because by the end of the night, I have to write a screenplay for class, and I’m still scared one of these men will actually like me. That sounds like a real time commitment. I’m much more ready to assume we’re all friends and call it a day.

I’m sorry for not spending enough time on dating apps during midterms. So here’s to some real dates before finals – including with a former editor in chief of a college newspaper.

Do you use Coffee Meets Bagel? Email Green at [email protected].