In her own words: ‘Reporting should not so dramatically hinder one’s recovery as it did for mine’
(Tim Bradbury/Daily Bruin senior staff)
By camayak
May 1, 2014 12:14 a.m.
BY JANE*
TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains descriptions of sexual violence.
Just last night, I had another panic attack. I found myself gagging, my chest felt heavy, and I desperately tried to keep my shuddering breathing quiet in an effort to not wake my roommate. I knew that I would be awake until 5 a.m.
According to my therapist, it is common for individuals who are sexually assaulted to have difficulty sleeping, particularly around the hours of when an assault occurs. This has held true for many nights. These nights have consisted of endless tears, unbearable body aches and nightmares.
Every time I walk on Glenrock Avenue, I feel as if I cannot breathe. When I see a police officer, I become extremely angry. When someone asks me why my grades have suddenly fallen, I tell them it is largely due to “family problems.” I cannot be alone with a man without feeling that I will be assaulted again.
I was raped two weeks before finals week. He told me that he went to UCLA and was too drunk to get back to his friend’s apartment by himself. He tried to open many doors, and finally came to an unlocked back door. I told him I needed to go, but these pleas were smothered by his force and imposing 6-foot build over my 90-pound body. I was raped for four hours. Eventually, my pleas turned into quiet whimpering, and then my mind shut down. He kicked my phone underneath the couch so I could not reach it, and my last fiber of strength to resist was responded by, “We are not leaving until you make me come.”
When it was over, he asked me how old I was. When I told him I was 18, he let out a sigh of relief.
I had no experience, no friends who had gone through this, and didn’t know what to do. My experience at Counseling and Psychological Services the day after the assault occurred seemed useless and confusing. When I continuously bled for three days, I decided to go to the ER for internal injuries. Had I decided to go one day later, I would have missed the four-day mark for evidence collection. I bled continuously for five days.
It was only when I decided to submit a police report after many weeks of self-blame, destruction and a painful suicide attempt that I learned that this man was 30 years old and is a schoolteacher to small children.
My legal battle hit roadblocks virtually every step of the way. I wish I had known to get a lawyer so legal authorities would take my case more seriously, or gotten any kind of guidance from UCLA. However, since this did not involve another UCLA student, I was left to fight for myself.
“Well, you know guys get their ideas from porn,” the UCPD detective responded, after I told him what my assailant had said to me during the rape.
He kept reminding me that very few rape cases go through. He said mine was a difficult one because I wasn’t “raped in a bush.” His hints of the bleak future of my case left me helpless, a feeling that has vehemently persisted since the night of the assault.
After three months of hardly any communication, I received an email from the detective indicating that my case had not gone through because there was not “enough evidence,” and that my story did not align with the “definition of rape.”
When I called him to clarify, he told me that he only conducted two interviews, did not receive my rape kit and that my injuries were “consistent with consensual sex.” Since when was bleeding for five days consistent with consensual sex?
I was later informed by the Rape Treatment Center that my case was not formally closed, and that it was being assigned to a new district attorney. In effect, my detective, who never put in sincere work on my case from the very beginning, prematurely told me the outcome of my case.
Finally, the new district attorney reached a decision. She told me that this was one of the cases she would “lose sleep over,” because she knows it is serious though not strong enough to convince 12 jury members. Essentially, she told me I had to wait for him to rape again and have someone come forward for my case to be convincing.
I understand that rape cases can be extremely complicated. However, a UCPD detective that is an alleged advocate for UCLA students should follow protocol and give their utmost sincerity to their work. Reporting should not so dramatically hinder one’s recovery as it did for mine.
So, here I am, slowly recovering. Hoping that the next person who gets raped by my assailant has the courage to come forward and fight through mistreatment. Because only then will we get justice.
*This article was published under a pseudonym in order to protect the identity of the survivor. It is the Daily Bruin’s policy not to publish the names of the survivors of rape or sexual assault unless specifically instructed otherwise by the survivor.
