Now that Sen. John Kerry has selected Sen. John Edwards to be
his running mate, the campaign for the White House has shifted into
high gear.

To the ladies and gentlemen of the incoming 2004-2005 freshman
class:
By now you have been welcomed, schmoozed, greeted, accosted, and
solicited by countless numbers of people on the UCLA campus.

For the most part, life is simple. It is just us who make things
more difficult than they need to be. This is one of many lessons I
have learned quite well during my time at this university.

In an episode of legal stupidity, Los Angeles County has been
coerced into removing a cross from its seal after being threatened
with legal action by the American Civil Liberties Union.

Why didn’t the UCLA student cross the road? Because he got
a ticket, that’s why!
Many students have recently found something new on their walk to
or from campus ““ a walking ticket.

In many ways, college and preschool are very much alike. At
each, nap time is very important. In preschool, students drink from
thermoses; during college, they drink from flasks.

Tomato, tomahto. Let’s not call the whole thing off.
For months now, Taco Bell has been under fire about tomatoes.
The dispute arises from allegations made by the employees of one of
Taco Bell’s tomato suppliers.

It’s time to debunk one claim once and for all:
Mother’s Day is not just a commercial holiday.
This Sunday we will salute the important ladies who have given
us so much.

It is that time of the quarter, when many humanities students
have a very difficult task ahead of them. They face a problem that,
despite a long-despised existence, still plagues millions of
students.

Eighteen-year-olds get many new privileges on their birthdays.
They can buy pornography. They can rent carpet cleaners. They can
even buy and fill out lottery tickets.