To start off, I’d like to reassure you all by saying yes,
France is still dealing with the aftermath of the riots, but
don’t worry. We’re sending President Bush over there to
sort everything out.

Prepare yourselves for incredibly bad news.
The federal government has decided, apparently in retaliation
for my recent column suggesting that college students
shouldn’t have to pay taxes, that it is each
university’s responsibility to upgrade its network systems so
the federal government can spy on our Internet access and underbid
on our eBay auctions.

For college students, the American tax system is fairly easy to
understand, as long as you view it from the official platforms of
the major political parties.

I’ve anticipated having to answer three compelling
questions, so here are my answers:
1. Yes, it is Friday and my column is running.
2. No, you did not oversleep.

We can learn lessons from observing the lives of people who were
at the top of the world, yet fell from their pedestals into
disgrace. Why do people sacrifice all the great things
they’ve got going for them just to get a little bit more?

You know, the human powers of instant recollection are nothing
short of amazing.
I was sitting at home trying to decide whether to have salad or
cookies for lunch when I remembered, all of a sudden, where I left
my retainer in sixth grade.

Welcome back, fellow Bruins. Now that you’re all here, I
eagerly anticipate waiting in longer lines at Panda Express,
getting harassed every day on Bruin Walk, and not being able to
find a parking space.

Disclaimer: I’m not really going to talk about stem cells
in this column because first, I don’t know what they are;
second, I’ve already been tested for them; and last, I
don’t understand or care why everyone gets their knickers in
a twist whenever someone mentions them.

It is my policy to always be honest with you, my readers, unless
I say something totally wacky. You will notice the importance of
this fact as we discuss Internet blogging in general and the recent
sale of MySpace.com to NewsCorp.

Hey, look! My column’s at the top of the page! But
there’s no time for reckless celebration.
It has been brought to my attention that summer is indeed upon
us, and nearly everyone on earth is partying hedonistically with
exotic people at exotic locations, getting exotic venereal
diseases.