Video production made me view journalism through new lens, with more appreciation -30-

This is attempt number two at writing my -30- column. The other one I wrote was pretty out there and pretty “unique.” I say that with quotation marks because I’ve realized some of the motivations behind why I wanted to write something so revolutionary (sarc) (and I’ve decided to include my sarcastic remarks on the page with a “(sarc)” like some people do (but not AP, sorry Copy) when there are grammatical errors in a quote), and the results are kind of interesting.

I think I have felt so inadequate at my job at the Daily Bruin for the majority of my tenure that what expectedly followed was this need to prove myself all the time and to write a -30- column like no other. This method of “proving myself” worked very poorly because the response that I chose to have all those other times was one of avoidance.

There are, in fact, three choices you can make in the face of danger: fight, flight or freeze and get eaten by the bear (sarc). While there was no physical freezing that took place, I was very good (sarc) at masking my freezing and ultimately made my way to the Video producer position.

The one thing I committed to when entering the Daily Bruin was making videos, and I barely followed through.

Some may say it’s quite ironic – a video producer who doesn’t really make a lot of videos. I like to call it “a person with immense insecurity.”

But I don’t want to say that I am special in any way because of my imposter syndrome. I mainly just want to point out how much worse I dealt with it than probably all of the other staffers who will write about their experiences with it in their -30- articles (not sarc).

I have always said journalism isn’t for me, but it is definitely more accurate to say that I am not good enough for journalism.

In the beginning, it wasn’t even about journalism for me. I managed to apply to a school newspaper without the awareness that I would be doing any journalism. I was solely focused on the video aspect and completely lacked the knowledge of what journalism entailed.

After finally getting in, I managed to weasel MacKenzie, the then Video producer, to hire me. It was from then on that I decided I had to do this job perfectly or I would be a failure.

Fast forward to now, I have accepted that I am very mediocre at pursuing video production, but I am still regretful that I couldn’t have done more during my time here.

This is a bit surprising to me since I have an obsession with grasping at the straws of the self-help world. It’s always “maximize productivity or die” (kind of sarc). So there’s no version of the story where stagnation becomes acceptable.

But I am very content with the fact that I will likely never become a professional creator. This doesn’t mean that I will ever stop appreciating journalists or other creators. It’s quite the opposite.

We should only be so lucky to be immersed in a field that’s not suited to our strengths. That is how we come to form the deepest admiration and envy (in a healthy way) of those who do flourish in these environments. It’s also an opportunity for some to cultivate those skills until they become strengths.

Even though I mostly found myself in the first camp, this is not to say that I didn’t get better at my job or that I wasn’t trying. It’s not even to say that I failed or completely destroyed the integrity of the video section, at least I hope not (not even a little sarc). This is all to say, don’t be afraid of your own ambitions.

This job mattered so much to me both in the beginning and even more now as I daydream about the end of -30- where I can leave all of these Slack channels (sarc, I guess). I had the ambition, but I didn’t have the guts to really see those ambitions through.

And ambition without guts is just ambiion minus gus.

Zhang was a Video contributor 2018-2019, assistant Video producer 2019-2020 and Video producer 2020-2021.