The Quad: Where to go No. 2 on campus

Last year, the Quad looked at some bathroom highlights from across campus, here’s a look at the best for going number two.

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Potty predecessor (n.) – an individual who precedes oneself in the use of a bathroom stall, particularly in the form of defecation. Whoever the potty predecessor in this stall was really stunk up the joint. Nobody wants to be a potty predecessor. The shame of facing your “stall successor” is of “must avoid eye contact at all costs” level.

It’s another day on campus among the endless sea of students, that fiber cereal has finally worked its way through your system and you have to go number two. You don’t want to inconvenience anyone with your bodily needs, but the line for the nearest bathroom goes out the door. Although the occasional on-campus evacuation isn’t always avoidable, minimizing embarrassing bathroom interactions can be.

Over the quarter, I went on a mission to find the best bathrooms on campus to perform the “dirty deed” with the same kind of comfort as in your own home. I judged bathrooms based on cleanliness, toilet paper supply, foot traffic and, most importantly, privacy. These bathrooms came out on top of my list as the most trusted bathroom “safe havens.” Don’t ask me how I did my research.

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1. Franz Hall – sixth and seventh floor

The rule of thumb for seeking empty bathrooms is pretty much as follows: the higher up you go, the less likely you will have to stand in line and deal with the shame of being a “potty predecessor.” The sixth floor is for the men and the seventh floor is for the women – both of which were empty, clean and stocked full of toilet paper. Although the third floor bathrooms were empty as well, it smelled as though someone else had already claimed their territory, if you catch my drift. On second thought, that might act as a good disguise for your mischief.

2. Luskin School of Public Affairs – third floor and above

As a political science student, the majority of my classes happen right in the Public Affairs building, so you can trust that I am adept at the bathroom layout of the place. The third floor bathroom has been my go-to for the past two years. I can contest that the girls’ bathrooms on the second floor almost always seem to have a line out the door and one of the stalls is guaranteed to be “unusable.” Going up at least that one extra flight is worth it – the third floor and beyond are mainly occupied by professors and grad students, so even if there is one extra person in the bathroom with you, there is no need to fear that one of your classmates just awkwardly heard you poop.

3. Ackerman Union – third floor

Conveniently located among the study rooms on the third floor, these bathrooms are jam-packed with stalls. When the loads and loads of coffee that you have consumed while studying finally hit you, these bathrooms are there for you – trust me, I’ve been in this bind multiple times. Even though during midterms and finals, these bathrooms tend to be a little more popular than desired, there are enough stalls that you can create a nice amount of space between you and the other occupants. Reliably clean and stocked with toilet paper, even during the most obscure hours, these bathrooms rank among the highest according to my standards.

4. Kerckhoff Hall – fourth floor

As a member of the Daily Bruin and coffee addict, Kerckhoff Hall is one of my many other homes on campus. So finding a safe place to go you-know-what in this building was a necessity. Kerckhoff bathrooms in general are pretty well-kept, but the ones on the fourth floor were exceptionally nice. So if you find yourself in Kerckhoff and in dire need of a quiet place to sit on the toilet for an extended period of time, venture up to the fourth floor. The amount of time to walk up four flights of stairs is almost the same as it takes to circle around trying to find the bathroom on the first floor anyways.

5. Young Research Library – first floor

Out of all of the library bathrooms, YRL’s are the best at providing a place to poop – Powell Library’s bathrooms are notoriously gross. Clean and usually well-stocked with toilet paper, these bathrooms are especially great because they are single stalls. Located in a secluded offshoot of those nifty pods on the main floor of the library, these are perfect when you need to take a mid-study group bathroom break. Also, these bathrooms are conveniently located near the library’s coffee shop. Coincidence? I think not.

6. John Wooden Center – to the right of the front desk

In case you find yourself suffering “runner’s trots,” there is refuge at Wooden Center. A plethora of clean stalls and and an extra entrance door ensures you will be taken care of during this type of situation. This bathroom is even better for two reasons: one, you don’t have to potentially deal with facing people who just heard you poop back on the exercise floor and two, you can avoid one of those awkward, naked locker room interactions. You can casually slip out, take care of your business and then go about your workout like it never happened.

7. Young Hall – fourth floor

This one might not be the best option for those of you with elevator related phobias – the elevator kind of reminded me of the Tower of Terror at Disney’s California Adventure – RIP. But that’s besides the point. Also, not my No. 1 choice for South Campus dwellers since a few stalls were a little janky – one of the stalls didn’t lock. However, there were plenty of other stalls to choose from and no one was in sight around 2 p.m., so if you’re in South Campus and really can’t make it to one of these other buildings I listed, this isn’t a bad option if privacy is what you seek.