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Tracking COVID-19 at UCLA2020 Racial Justice Movement

Candidates need more exposure

By Lara Loewenstein

May 9, 2007 9:05 p.m.

According to the Daily Bruin, only 28 percent of undergraduates voted in the last undergraduate student government elections. Not even enough to get a true winning majority.

In search of a reason as to why students don’t vote in Undergraduate Students Association Council elections, I asked my friend the other day why he thinks students don’t vote:

“USAC is boring,” he replied.

“Politics are boring,” I said.

“No, politics are fun. College politics are boring ““ no sex scandals, previous marriages or illegitimate children,” he said.

“So if students knew who the candidates were sleeping with, they might vote?” I asked.

“They might know their names, which is a start,” he replied.

“Who are you voting for?” I asked.

“Uh, I’m not voting,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Uh, because USAC’s boring?” he replied.

“But voting makes a difference. For instance, if students never vote in state elections, then the government will have no real interest in lowering tuition, or even attempting to not increase it,” I said.

“Wow, thanks, Miss Idealism,” he said.

“Whatever, help me choose. Who should I vote for president?” I asked.

“The person who’ll do the worst job. It’ll make for better campus jokes next year. Like if they can’t speak proper English,” he advised.

“Whatever. I’ve narrowed it down ““ Gabe Rose or Gregory Cendana?” I asked.

“Process of elimination ““ is either one married to their cousin?” he asked.

“No.”

“Three-times divorced?”

“Nope.”

“Jewish?”

“Yup.”

“They’re out,” he said. “You don’t want to vote for someone who’s obviously not going to win.”

“What about external vice president? Some like Jeanalee Obergfell, but Justin Hotter’s way hotter,” I said.

“Yeah, but he was campaigning with his dog. He’s implying he thinks Paris Hilton is cool. You know what USAC needs?” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“A USAC madame ““ someone who knows all of USAC’s dirty fantasies and wants to spill,” he said.

“Yeah, right. That would totally take away from substantive discussions about issues,” I said.

“Exactly. It would be so much more entertaining,” he said

“Would you vote?” I asked.

“If one of them had a foot fetish. I like feet,” he said.

“Michelle Lyon wants to initiate research relationships between students and professors,” I said.

“Hmm, that has potential. I’ll do research with my poly sci professor. She’s hot,” he said.

“But it’s the post-Clinton era. Nobody cares that much about sex scandals anymore,” I said.

“Yeah, but it still makes headline news. And it’s way more interesting than regent meetings,” he said.

“Hey, I have an idea,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Marwa Kaisey should start a preemptive war,” he said.

“Against who?” I asked.

“I dunno, the regents? I heard they have something against us,” he said.

“I’m sure. But no reason to start a war,” I reasoned.

“But it’d totally work. Either people would want to keep her in office because she’s a war president, or they’d be so fed up they’d vote for the opposing party,” he said.

“Slate,” I corrected.

“Whatever. It wouldn’t do anything for her reputation, but I bet we’d have the highest voter turnout in history. That way she’d be able to leave office knowing she had accomplished something,” he said.

“Marwa Kaisey isn’t going to start a war,” I said.

“I know. And I’m not going to vote,” he said.

“Who is?” I asked.

“Good question.”

E-mail Loewenstein at [email protected] Send general comments to [email protected]

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