Pop in a movie at your party
By Justin Scott
Feb. 2, 2005 9:00 p.m.
Throwing a party is always an intimidating task; there’s
the question of what to wear, who to invite and, most importantly,
what to do.
Sure, there’s drinking and mingling (and probably, if
it’s one of my parties, more drinking), but the most crucial
thing about having a good party is setting the right mood, so that
everyone has fun. Needless to say, these were just a few of the
things on my mind when I threw a party this past weekend.
Fortunately, I know how to throw a fabulous party. It’s an
old, time-tested family secret handed down from generation to
generation, and I’m going to share it with you. The giving
just never ends, does it?
Play hardcore gay pornography at any party, and you’re
guaranteed to have a successful romp, literally and figuratively.
OK, so maybe it being a long-held family tradition (you can only
imagine the awkward silence during Thanksgiving dinner at
Grandma’s) is a little bit of a lie. But at a really big,
really gay party like mine, it was definitely more than just an
appropriate selection.
For those of you whose exposure to the gays is limited to a few
forced viewings of “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy” and
that time you got lost in West Hollywood and had to ask a drag
queen (who looked way more like Little Richard than Beyonce) how to
get back to the 405, you’re probably more than unfamiliar
with what I’m talking about.
Let me help you out: Take the party scene in “Old
School” and add a few more kegs, a handful of shirtless guys
dancing on tables, a soundtrack of Kylie Minogue, Madonna and
Christina Aguilera, and maybe a few streamers and some glitter, and
there you have it ““ a big gay party.
And while that part is always a good time, one of the things I
hate about throwing parties, especially in a college neighborhood
like Westwood, are party crashers.
Crashers can be anyone from a group of people who you’ve
never seen before and were clearly not invited to the random drunk
guy who stumbles out of his frat house (named after a three-sided
polygon) and forcefully insists on making his way to the front of
your party so he can throw back a few more beers than he needs and
lecherously eye the female guests.
Don’t get me wrong ““ I’m totally fine with
meeting a few new people every now and then; that’s normally
the point of throwing a huge party. But crashers are different.
Crashers suck; they take up room, drink your liquor and, even
worse, most of the time they are ugly. And I didn’t want to
have to play “spot the straight guy” all night and
bounce people out of my apartment who I suspected were only there
for the free booze and maybe the possibility of getting a
five-finger discount on my stuff.
So when the clock struck 11 and my party started to fill up with
more crashers than familiar faces, I knew what I had to do. After a
brief search, I made my way through the crowd and toward the
nearest TV with only a single mission on my mind and a broken-in
DVD case in my hand.
As for what happened next, let’s just say there’s
nothing like a few minutes from “Dude, Where’s My
Dildo?” if you want to shock the socks off a few straight
guys, and let gays everywhere know that this is a place where they
can happily sip their apple martinis free from persecution and
fear. God bless gay porn.
Of course, even if your party isn’t a giant gay kegger,
the idea of playing a movie is still the perfect solution to
preventing your get-together from becoming a flop. But choose
wisely, because I promise you that if you toss on
“Schindler’s List” or “The Piano” at
your big dinner party, you’re bound to have your guests break
down in tears before you’ve even begun to bring out
dessert.
As for my own party, it wasn’t entirely filled with hot
homoerotic debauchery; I made sure to use the other TV to play a
fun collection of Disney classics, from “Bambi” to
“The Little Mermaid.” Sure, it was sort of a messed-up
contrast, but it definitely gave new meaning to the phrase
“crowd control.”
Upset you’ll never be able to look at Thumper the same
way again? E-mail Scott at [email protected].
