Don’t betray UCLA for a good score
The first thing we learn as Bruins is that we hate Trojans. You
throw away your red and yellow acceptance letter, attend
UCLA’s freshman orientation, and the crosstown loathing
begins.
As the most important football game of the year approaches, we
decided to lose our “bashing ‘SC column”
virginity.
In general, neither of us ever cared about scoring outside of
the bedroom. But in honor of the greater good, we would like to
instill a love of scoring (and football, for that matter) in all of
our readers.
For the record, we really like Trojans. That is, when
they’re made out of latex and they’re covering
something important to us. However, when they’re covering the
50-yard line at the Rose Bowl, or center court at Pauley, or just
about anywhere in South Central, we don’t like them so
much.
Besides the obvious fact that “a Bruin lasts forever, but
a Trojan’s only good once,” there are many other
reasons to root for the big, muscular bear this Saturday, and
we’ve listed our top five.
One. A Trojan’s personal satisfaction and happiness in
life lies in good football and basketball records and,
specifically, in the ability to brag about them. With a Trojan fan,
it’s always going to come up ““ “Was it good for
you? Because it was good for me when we beat you in basketball and
football.”
Unless you like to be told you suck at every sport, including
the horizontal polka, don’t give a Spoiled Child
anything.
Bruins are humble and loyal fans who will continue to renew
their season passes even if you’re bad, in bed or on the
field.
Two. Don’t sleep with a Trojan, unless, of course,
you’re a dirty pirate hooker. If you think that buying their
way into things stopped with their admission letters, you’re
wrong.
So if you were standing on that corner with a purpose, go right
ahead and good luck. As for everyone else, why bother?
Three. There’s a rumor that UCLA has hot football players.
Our extensive stalking (research) on the online roster indicates
that yes, there are. Many, in fact. Furthermore, anyone who can
squeeze themselves into a pair of ass-fondling gold spandex pants
has our approval.
Even if you’ve never been included in any “team
practices,” these fine specimens of manhood should still be
cheered for rather than their spoiled, whiny opponents. If you
can’t be an athlete, be an “athletic
supporter”.
Four. Would you rather do the walk of shame at 4 a.m. from South
Central with only an expensive borrowed USC sweatshirt as your
defense, or stumble home down Gayley, where nice people run the
perimeter and you can smell the amazing brunch awaiting you back on
the Hill?
Since Westwood is better than Figueroa Street and the Felix Auto
Center, logically Bruins are superior to Trojans.
Five. And most importantly, Tommy Trojan carries around that
sword for the same reason a 25-year-old guy (probably from USC)
buys an F-250 that takes diesel. It’s compensation.
So maybe UCLA isn’t always on the winning side of the
scoreboard, but that’s no reason to become a traitor and
sleep with the enemy. Remember that UCLA students worked hard to
get into this school, and they’ll most likely work hard at
everything else, like penetrating your defensive line and passing
the ol’ pigskin to your wide receiver.
Whether we win or lose on Saturday, make sure you score with a
Bruin.
We think that bonfires, car smashes and blood drives are
hot, but neither of us actually possesses a Rose Bowl ticket for
Saturday. If you want to be our date, and you have an extra ticket
to the game, e-mail us at [email protected] and
[email protected].
