Bruins go for the gold when hooking up
In ancient Egyptian mythology there’s a great, in-depth
story about a penis.
In our much-shorter version that focuses only on the point we
find interesting, the god Osiris ends up with his body parts strewn
around the world. After the goddess Isis collects them all,
there’s still one part missing.
Instead of ditching her man, she creates a golden phallus for
him, thus making her the luckiest woman in mythology.
If someone has a golden joystick, it’s pretty obvious that
you should hook up with, date, or handcuff him to an altar and
marry him immediately. But what are the other initial indicators
that make us want to jump someone’s bones?
The classic stereotype is that women seek traits that indicate
security and comfort, while men crave the hottest person in the
room.
But despite what psychologists have told us, many UCLA students
define attraction differently. Contrary to these generalizations,
women and men are looking for surprisingly similar qualities.
Of course, everyone has a favorite body part they look for
““ guys want a nice face and healthy curves, girls want
overall tone, and there was that one guy we spoke with who listed
all the bra cup sizes in descending order to illustrate his
favorite feature.
Even so, an overwhelming amount of those questioned focused on
personality traits that always draw their attention.
The simplest way to attract someone from across the room is to
project confidence.
Here’s one for the ugly people: Several swingers said they
thought people were more attractive when they carried themselves
well.
Also, while being straightforward will get your point across,
experience can reveal the more subtle signs of a guaranteed
hook-up. Sometimes the people who are all over you at the party are
looking to get it out of their system then and there, and
don’t plan on saving anything for later.
When looking for a hook-up or a one-night stand, partyers tend
to notice a person’s dancing style. This is because it
indicates what they can do with their hips.
When people can keep a rhythm in a crowded bar, there’s a
good chance they’ll be just as good at grinding later on in
your bedroom.
But we’re not going to lie to you. Physical attraction
does play a part in a hook-up. If they’re getting it on with
someone who they wouldn’t otherwise talk to, Bruins want to
make sure that, at the very least, their partner is nice to look
at. Both men and women search for mates who obviously hit the gym a
lot and who know how to take care of themselves.
Fortunately for all the Conan O’Briens of the world (tall,
skinny and pale), the most common way to attract someone is a good
old-fashioned sense of humor.
Making someone laugh will inevitably give them an insight into
your “radiant personality,” and they might want to find
out if other parts of you are gold as well.
However, Isis’ foray into the art of smelting proves her
love was more than just a hot guy at a good party. Even though her
boyfriend’s body was spread around the planet, she just
wasn’t ready to give up her gold standard ““ clearly,
having him was more than just sex.
How much more awesome do you have to be to get your god or
goddess to keep you around beyond the morning after?
While people want as much distance as possible from their
one-night stands before and after the fact, when it comes to
relationships, common ground only ups your chances of things
working out.
Running into someone a lot and having friends in common are
factors that encourage both sexes to look beyond the sex. Having
similar interests and a couple of people to vouch for your sanity
makes most people more likely to find out something about you
beyond what brand of condom you use.
Other people only want to get serious with a person who
isn’t going to be dramatic and angry. Just because
you’d rather write your paper than discuss their argument
with their roommate about fish tank maintenance, that doesn’t
make it OK to throw all your shot glasses on the floor.
Keeping things exciting and running smoothly does not
necessitate freaking out about the little things.
And the biggest turn-on for people who want to make you into
their god or goddess is ambition, ambition, ambition.
Wearing scrubs or carrying a law school book is a surefire way
to invite people to the party in your pants. We are a competitive
bunch of nerds here at UCLA, and having a goal or career path in
mind will get you laid faster than anything else.
In summary, you have to be confident, good-looking, athletic,
funny, ambitious, chill and a good dancer in order to get laid or
find happiness with another person.
Or you could just build genitalia out of gold.
Carey and Grinstead “love goooooold!” and Conan
O’Brien. And reading your e-mail. Send it to
[email protected] and [email protected].
