Sexual conquests have their limits

In the 1800s, Britain dominated many people through imperialist
expansion of their empire. They came, they conquered, and they
benefited from it. Today, many people are like these colonies. You
spot them across the room, and you want to sail your ship to them
““ to claim them in the name of your country, and use them for
all they’re worth.

Sex and hooking up have become the modern colonization.

The desire to stick your flag in people may sometimes be a
feeling so strong that every time you see them, there’s an
overwhelming need to have them right then and there in the middle
of Bruin Plaza.

However, once you do finally get together with them, passion
subsides, India declares its freedom, and you might just stop
talking altogether. You may think things just didn’t work
out. But in actuality, you’ve just committed an act of
conquest.

The idea of carnal conquest can have a lot of negative
connotations ““ for instance, sexual subordination, hurting a
partner, or even non-consensual sex.

To clarify, conquest has morphed into a new philosophy of
hooking up, in which both men and women have caught on to the
thrill of the chase, only to lose interest afterward.

It may sound harsh, but it happens a lot. Often, we have no
interest in the other person except for our physical attraction to
them ““ and as long as both people can acknowledge this
““ no one gets hurt and everyone has had their imperialistic
fun.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that no one appreciates a
hard-earned relationship any more, but an increasing number of us
are becoming conquistadors.

The desire to make someone yours, if only for a few minutes (or
a few hours if you’re really lucky), goes beyond having
chemistry with your partner. Obviously, it has to do with mutual
lust, but its underlying appeal is simple ““ it’s the
vanity of knowing that we have the ability to conquer our
goals.

Chasing after someone who makes you work a little for the
ultimate reward can be a turn-on. We’re not suggesting that
you should play mind games with someone you really care about, but
if a situation is purely about the conquest, there should always be
some prolonging of the final destination.

In that way, conquest is kind of like an orgasm ““
it’s a lot of work, it’s fun while it lasts, but
you’re always looking forward to your next one. Participants
interested in conquest aren’t trying to start a relationship
with the person they’re with. They want to use the situation
for what its worth, then begin to look for their next obstacle to
overcome (or come with).

But conquest should also be about honesty and getting to the
point. Granted, you may want a serious relationship with someone
down the road, but at the moment, a conqueror just wants to hook up
““ no muss, no fuss. And if having an insanely good time on
the couch is really all that you want from a person, and vice
versa, then everyone wins.

The independence that conquest allows is empowering. The
excitement of knowing that you got what you came for leaves you
feeling like a more confident person the next day.

Conquest also affords a certain amount of relief. After the
initial tantalizing chase, you aren’t required to invest
anything. There won’t be anyone there in the morning when you
wake up.

But is this really what you want?

When you’re an imperialist, you don’t need the
justification of emotions; your sexual game places you above and
outside the confines of feelings.

But “independence” is a two-faced word ““ it
means the ability to stand on your own, but it also means
you’re standing by yourself. You have no one to depend on
because you’ve declared your autonomy.

In other words, if you depend on the art of the conquest, you
may find yourself lonely and forgetting how to form real
attachment.

Conquest is fun, but expect to get out of it what you put in. If
you build your entire sexual empire on the foundation of conquering
others, eventually your accomplishments may no longer satiate your
desires.

If you’re not careful, sooner or later everyone will
declare their independence from you, and you may wish that
you’d formed alliances instead of colonies.

Grinstead and Carey say, “I am America and you are
Columbus! Discover me, Ramone, just discover me!” E-mail them
at agrinstead@media.ucla.edu and ncarey@media.ucla.edu.