Sports fans have questions, this columnist has answers
By Eli Karon
May 5, 2003 9:00 p.m.
In high school my physics teacher called my house and complained
to my parents that I asked too many questions.
He wanted to talk to me, but since I wasn’t home, my mom
got the brunt of his attack.
In the end the joke was on him: He left his home phone number,
so I often called him back to ask even more questions at all hours
of the night.
Although I don’t understand a thing about physics to this
day, I’m still inquisitive and childish.
So I’ve compiled a few puzzling questions that sports fans
have attempted to answer. You might have to be a sports fan to
appreciate all of the inquiries, but who isn’t a sports
fan?
Here goes:
Q: Why do baseball players wear stirrups?
A: Because it holds their socks up.
Q: How many NBA players do not have tattoos?
A: Seven.
Q: What is a Canuck?
A: I have no idea.
Q: WNBA?
A: No thank you.
Q: Why do female tennis players grunt louder than males?
A: Just because, you sicko.
Q: Why would anyone want to eat an animal’s testicles at a
baseball game?
A: They probably wouldn’t, but they sure make for tasty
treats after the game.
Q: What is the greatest sports movie of all time?
A: Not “The Cutting Edge.”
Q: What is the greatest sports book of all time?
A: “The Natural.”
Q: What is the greatest sports video game of all time?
A: NHLPA Hockey ’94 for Sega Genesis. End of subject.
Q: Who is the greatest UCLA athlete of all time?
A: Jackie Robinson.
Q: How old is Jesse Orosco?
A: 125.
Q: In the I-formation in football, why does the halfback line up
all the way back and the fullback lines up halfway back?
A: Because football players didn’t always wear
helmets.
Q: Why doesn’t everybody bean Barry Bonds?
A: Call it ‘roid rage, call it greenie rage, call it what
you will … it’s scary.
Q: Why don’t water polo players cut their hair?
A: Because it looks sick, that’s why.
Q: Why is a soccer field called a pitch?
A: Baseball envy.
Q: How many former UCLA baseball players are currently in the
Majors?
A: 11.
Q: Why is our dilapidated recreation center named after the
greatest coach of all time?
A: I don’t know, but it does not do him justice.
Q: Could Wes Whisler hit a Keira Goerl fastball?
A: I’d put my money on Whisler.
Q: Who is a better golfer, Happy Gilmore or John Merrick?
A: Merrick, but I’ll take Gilmore in a brawl.
Q: What is the most exciting play in sports?
A: The suicide squeeze.
Q: How many NBA players do not have criminal records?
A: Not many.
Q: Which is the best intramural sport at UCLA?
A: Football.
Q: Baseball tonight or NHL tonight?
A: Please, hockey is barely a sport.
Q: Who is the best athlete at UCLA?
A: Not I.
Q: Who is the greatest Daily Bruin columnist of all time?
A: We’re all pretty terrible, it’s a tough call.
Those are all the questions I could fit in this column. But as a
distant relative of “Dear Abby,” I will be happy to
postpone my history midterm to give insightful answers to any and
all questions you send me.
