“˜Dorkfest’ evokes inner nerd, teaches life lessons

Sorry folks, but I have something to admit, as it turns out that
I haven’t been entirely “¦ straightforward. It all ends
here. I can’t live this lie any longer.

On Halloween (last Thursday), the freaks came out at night. And
one of those freaks was me.

See, there was this “¦ event (Dorkfest 2002, more like it).
It was held at Best Buy, and essentially, dorks, er, people, were
to line up and buy the “Spiderman” DVD, which was to be
released at midnight. My primary purpose was to go observe the
nerds, I mean, Spider-dorks, or, movie-watchers, and write a column
about the event.

If anyone has seen Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on “The
Conan O’Brien Show,” that’s who I was trying to
emulate.

I went to the opening in full abrasive charm. I was hurling
insults with the best of them. I talked it up with a couple of the
nerds and then shot them down once I gained their trust and they
thought I was a fellow dork ““ a member of their sworn legion
of brethren and protectors of the universe.

I even went up to the Spiderman, who was in full regalia. After
a few moments of useless banter, “Spidey,” as he liked
to be called, signed a card saying that I met him. All of a sudden,
emotions flooded my dome.

It was as if I’d been a dork all along and just
didn’t know it. I lined up and watched a costume contest. I
got two Spiderman movie posters and a couple of Spiderman glamour
shots.

It was really festive ““ and I was eating it up. I even
lined up at the Arrow 93 booth, trying to answer classic rock
questions so I could win a Spiderman T-shirt. And needless to say,
I won one. (Out of the ashes of what band was there a legendary
guitarist that formed another great band? The Yardbirds, duh!).
That’s right, Kenny Chang, comic-book geek and classic rock
trivialist extraordinaire.

Then I got hit by another swelling of emotions. This time it was
REALITY. I realized what a complete idiot I was being and shut away
my inner dork to let him deal with the other, much darker,
belligerent demons that lurk in my subconscious. They took care of
that dweeb real quick. He won’t be back anytime soon.

Once I had regained full command of my good old condescending
self, I set out to finish the job that I came for. I went back up
to Spidey and started egging him on about coming with me to the
parties on Landfair, and what a kick it would be to see him there.
He wouldn’t come, that louse.

What really had me disenchanted was Spiderman that was there,
but it wasn’t SPIDERMAN. I was hoping for Tobey Maguire to
come out and bless us with his presence but the pretentious jerk
wouldn’t come. He could have at least refrained from talking
so as to fool us and let us believe that maybe it was really Tobey
Maguire under there, but no.

So I learned a lot of things that day. First, never let yourself
be drawn in by dorks. It will just propel you into perpetual
dorkdom, where you’ll find yourself dressing up as your
favorite comic book characters, posting online pictures of yourself
wearing the costumes, and going to conventions where you can show
off for other dorks.

Second, if they say Spiderman is coming anywhere, don’t
buy it for a second. It’s just going to be some impostor
wearing spandex and looking nipply.

Third, stick with the traditional stuff on Halloween ““
going out, going to parties, and participating in general mischief
and mayhem. You don’t want to be caught hanging around Best
Buy, and therefore Ralphs, at midnight with a congregation of
nerds.

Chang’s film column runs every Wednesday.