Suck-ups hinder learning environment

Do you remember in kindergarten those teachers that would try to
motivate their students to succeed by giving out gold stars or
handing out bald-faced bribes of candies, cookies and assorted
treats?

And remember those kids who would vehemently raise their hands
with exclamations of “Oooh, ooh” to answer questions,
whether or not they in fact knew the answers at all?

Even back in the day, I hated those suck-up orangutans. My
six-year-old mind balked at the idea that an impetus such as third
rate foodstuffs or even worse, meaningless gold star stickers,
could command such a sublimating effect on my classmates.

Imagine my consternation when I found out that this “gold
star” mentality still exists in our university setting. If
you’re thinking to yourself, “I’ve seen lots of
these sorts of students, and they’re not that bad,” let
me describe to you the untold depths to which a prototype for this
kind of mentality sinks.

Imagine a more mind-numbingly nasal version of Steve Urkel, from
that excellent situation comedy, “Family Matters.” But
for all of Urkel’s faults (his social ineptitude and bumbling
klutziness) he was firstly a genius, and furthermore used his high
moral code and intellectual brilliance to bring joy, happiness and
valuable life lessons to the people around him.

Conversely, this imaginary clod spreads the seed of disdain
whenever he speaks. Granted, there are times where he makes some
statements that are of some halting social value, but these are so
few and far in between, that one cannot help but groan in
resignation as his hand is raised with the ubiquitous “ooh,
ooh.”

He has no qualms in asking questions that have no direct bearing
on the coursework that can easily be answered by a classmate. While
the rest of the class is quietly pensive, he will try to respond
when the instructor is obviously asking a rhetorical question. He
will never fail to loudly point out and revel in the few typos that
occasionally pop-up on the professor’s PowerPoint
presentations when the rest of the class can let such harmless
things slide.

But doubtless, the most infuriating thing about this baboso
imaginario is the fact that in my mind, he always seems to revels
in his statements, much like a swine happily rooting around in
filth. A smug look of self-satisfaction fills his face after
apparently deigning to enlighten the class with another one of his
mindless and nonsensical comments.

In response to his mindless ranting, nitpicking and general
oafishness, I have thought up many responses to his
senselessness.

Remarks of “Eeeeeeediot,” “What’s wrong
with this kid?” and most notably climaxing in “I must
break you!” (think Ivan Drago from Rocky IV) are all easily
attributable to his stupidity. The fact that these comments were
all invented by me is unimportant; what is central in this
summation is the fact I ““ and I daresay ““ many of my
vicarious classmates want to enact some sort of medieval
retribution upon this person.

Let’s leave the realm of metaphysics for a moment, and
speak on more concrete matters. I cannot begin to guess why these
sorts of individuals say the insanely dim-witted things they do.
Perhaps they’re still mentally locked away in the gold star
stage. Maybe they just want a cookie.

These statements could conceivably be a way for them to garner
attention, predicated on a “notice me” mentality. Or
possibly this is a defense mechanism built on the cornerstone that,
“I’m going to be despised anyway, I might as well
actively seek it out.”

If you’ve got mental pains, craft them into a song or
something. Bands such as Weezer, Staind and *NSYNC were all forged
in the white-hot furnace of suffering.

And for all those other excuses for being an annoyance, I
shamelessly threw in as the other side of my straw man argument:
grow up and realize you’re in a university setting.

Although I described a facetiously vicarious example, there
really are these sorts of students that muck up the learning
environment at UCLA. I have always been a fervent admirer of the
intellectually daring. However, making idiotic claims, constantly
throwing out ticky-tack comments, and asking shockingly obvious
questions angers people. For the love of God, stop your nonsense
and most importantly, stop wasting our time.