This post was updated May 12 at 8:48 p.m.

In my classes on the sociology of violence, I often tell my students to ask themselves: Who wins? When they read about violent events, think of violent policies or observe violence happening in their own communities, who wins? And it seems increasingly clear to me that there is only one group that wins from the current violence in our community and in college communities across our country: extremists. They are the ones who thrive on division to justify oppression, not simply abroad but at home and on our campuses as well.

We must resist this and defeat this extremism with all our might.

Let me be clear: What happened at UCLA from April 30 to May 1 and in the days leading up to it was abhorrent.

It is outrageous that a mob of mostly outsiders claiming to be Zionists along with white supremacists invaded our community and attacked our students who were part of the Palestine solidarity encampment. It is equally outrageous that security was absent for hours as demonstrators were attacked with impunity. And it is further unacceptable that police forces assaulted student protesters on our campus the next day.

Students have the right to nonviolent freedom of expression and the right to free speech without threats of violence.

I also believe that Palestinians deserve complete freedom and the right to thrive in the land they call home, as well as political representation that reflects their beliefs and perspectives. Jewish people deserve this, too.

Finally, I refuse to believe that Jews and Palestinians must be enemies or that ensuring our respective security necessitates the subjugation or elimination of the other. On the contrary, I hold the belief that our destinies are intertwined, as is often affirmed by the organization Standing Together.

We cannot be free until all of us are free. And, to me, this freedom means freedom from extremism, persecution and oppression of all kinds.

So how do we get there? How do we overcome the extremism that is tearing us apart so we can genuinely – with open minds and open hearts – fight for a better world?

First, we must acknowledge and respect the grief of those on all sides of this atrocious war. Among the most ardent supporters of Israel, there is a propensity to deny the existence of Palestinian suffering. Among those who most actively support Palestine, there is a propensity to deny the existence of Israeli – and many Jews’ – pain.

But why should we ignore the suffering of others? Why are we unable to assert with equivalent fervor and sympathy that the Israeli government’s killing and starvation of Palestinians is intolerable and that Hamas’ killing and abduction of Israelis is equally intolerable? Why is it necessary to downplay the fact that, during this brutal conflict, both Palestinian and Israeli women have been victims of sexual and gender-based violence?

Why must we disregard the suffering of others to prioritize our own?

To move forward together in favor of a genuine, lasting peace for all who live on the land, I contend that we must expand our moral concern to include everyone on all sides of this conflict. Doing so does not diminish the significance of our unique sorrows and experiences with violence; rather, it directs them toward the improvement of the world as a whole.

The Holocaust, the Nakba, the mass expulsion of Jews from Arab lands, past “operations” in Gaza – Cast Lead, Pillar of Defence, Protective Edge – and the first and second intifadas have inflicted trauma upon nearly all those still alive in Palestine and Israel. We must confront the entirety of this violence, past and present, directly and demand that it cease.

Second, we have to allow space for people to ask questions, struggle and sort through their feelings as they take various stands. There is pressure to sign every letter that comes our way. Pressure to share posts or tweets without fully understanding their context or checking their veracity. Pressure to wave flags that aren’t ours.

There is also pressure to ignore words or acts of aggression within our own communities that harm others, or pretend they aren’t happening, so as to prove the moral purity of our side – whatever that may be. And there is pressure to be angry and to let that anger justify shaming and defaming people with different views. This does not heal our broken hearts nor end this war, either. Frankly, it only makes our own communities less safe.

Of course, the trauma and pain so many of us are feeling right now are real, as the above explains and as we must acknowledge. It is no surprise that this trauma has been channeled into outrage for many, and with that outrage comes vitriol, including against those who dare ask questions or struggle in the recognition of others’ pain.

I would argue, however, that it is exactly in these spaces in between that we can breathe and ask questions that provide room for a different path. The polarizing words and actions of our time have broken trust and eliminated space for open and genuine struggle and growth. But we can’t struggle if we don’t feel safe, and we can’t grow, either. Our campus must be a space where people feel safe asking questions. Our communities must be places where people have room to grow.

Smaller things, no less important: Virtually everything shared online these days is propaganda. Some of it is real, but pause before you post. Talk instead of tweet. Read different views, especially. Recognize that social media algorithms contribute to, create and thrive on anger. Reject violent, reductive extremists and their influencers in favor of genuine, difficult conversations – including with those who feel differently from you – about how to move forward in favor of peace.

Question authority.

Prioritize victims and the oppressed.

Demand new and different outcomes.

Be open to the possibility of something you haven’t thought of yet.

Above all, remember: We are the ones responsible for building a better world – especially students. You are the future. You have the power. Use it for love, for compassion and to stand together against violence and extremism of all kinds.

Our strength lies in our solidarity and in refusing to let extremists divide us.

Aliza Luft is an assistant professor of sociology at UCLA.