How do I: Wannabe roomies deserve fair turndowns

Deciding who you’re going to live with next year is like high school prom season revisited: Somehow you need to let the bad dance partners know you don’t want to be asked by them.

Rejecting the people you don’t want to room with doesn’t need to be a messy situation if you know how and when to approach the issue.

First things first: Don’t skirt the issue.

Be the first to bring up the subject. It’s important to talk about your rooming situation with the specific people you don’t want to live with so they know you are unavailable.

“If you’re hurting someone’s feelings, at least you’re signaling that you care about their feelings,” said assistant professor of communication studies Greg Bryant. “If you don’t bring it up, they could think that you never had.”

Bryant said he encourages students to choose an appropriate time to discuss not rooming with someone when there is enough time to talk and their emotions are neutral.

Do not do it when they are happy or sad, because you would either end their joy or add to their depression, he said.

Second-year political science student Cory Johnson found that talking with his roommates last year allowed them to openly discuss their plans to live with other friends.

Last year, he told his roommates who he thought he’d be living with; he thought that taking the initiative to talk was worthwhile.

If someone wants to room with you but hasn’t yet recognized that you don’t want to live with them, be sure to stop your wannabe roommate from making references to the moments of bonding you will share next year.

Comments can be made like, “That would be fun, but I’m still not sure what I’m doing for my rooming situation next year,” or break out the bad news straightaway.

Here are a few tips if you choose the latter option: Remember to be gentle, but at the same time, don’t hide the true reasons for your decision.

“People are going to be tempted to deceive people to spare their feelings,” Bryant said. “It’s better to be honest.”

Then you’re going to need valid, non-offensive excuses as to why you don’t want to live with someone.

“One of the ways to approach them is saying, “˜I really want to protect our friendship,'” said Shireen Oberman, a counselor on the hill for Counseling and Psychological Services.

“Good friends don’t always make good roommates.”

She said that students should emphasize how important their relationship is with the person in question before explaining that they’d prefer not to live with a friend at all.

If you are planning on living with other friends, though, and still need excuses for not living with a certain companion, draw from differences in your living styles.

“It is best not to make it personal, but to focus on factual things, like “˜You go to sleep early, and I go to sleep late,'” said third-year cognitive science student Thach Nguyen.

Oberman said students should share expectations and recognize differences in living styles no matter who they choose as a roommate.

“You want to feel comfortable with whoever you’re rooming with,” she said.

Can’t come up with any significant differences between you and your wannabe roomie? Resort to your desire for new experiences.

“You could give reasons like, “˜It would be more fun to branch out and meet other people,'” said second-year history student Annie Claster.

No matter what you say, Nguyen said, don’t lie.

“People can tell very easily when they are being lied to. Honesty is always the best policy, as long as you do it sensitively and respectfully,” he said.

E-mail Nickel at [email protected].