Could UCLA have some more manners, please?

In many ways, I’m an old-fashioned gal. I enjoy a good sidecar, writing on stationery and watching “Jeopardy!” But among these old-fashioned traits, the one I value the most is good old-fashioned manners. Remember those? If you’re the guy who brazenly reads the newspaper in lecture, a surly towel-checker-outer at the Wooden Center or one of the dozens of people who violently jostle me on Bruin Walk, then I’m guessing you don’t.

I’m no Miss Manners. I couldn’t tell a salad fork from a chopstick, and I really don’t know what type of calligraphy ink is most befitting for a bridal shower invitation. And in most ways, I think that classical etiquette rules are stuffier than Queen Victoria in Kerckhoff in June ““ which is to say, very stuffy.

But I think knowing how to politely and respectfully interact with fellow man is an important part of growing up and becoming a functioning member of society. Surely President Barack Obama said his pleases and thank-yous in between smoking grass as a student at Occidental College ““ and look where he is now.

The Chronicle Herald, a Canadian newspaper, reported a story last week about a robber in Lower Sackville, Nova Scotia, who was thwarted by a convenience store clerk because the clerk had good manners. After the robber demanded cash and cigarettes, the clerk asked him to “please leave the store.” The robber stopped what he was doing and said, “You’re the first person to ask me to leave in such a nice way, (and) because of that I will leave.”

I love this. Canadians have got to be the nicest people in the world, and apparently this trait saves lives, and more importantly, money. If more people had good manners in America, I bet theft would be a nonissue all around the country, and we’d have so much more money circulating in our economy, we’d be all fixed up! That’s what we need in this new stimulus package ““ some sort of manners appropriation clause.

Unfortunately, we are not in the manners utopia of Lower Sackville. It’s hard to pinpoint why, exactly. Most of the people that I’ve met here are really smart and really nice, and one would think that basic politeness and intelligence go hand in hand. I’ve noted more than a few recent instances on campus that have been infused with a spectacular rudeness.

We go to one of the best universities in the world where the professors do, in fact, know a few things. And while it’s inevitable that we get bored in class from time to time, there are some things that one should never do in lecture, simply because they’re really jerk-y things to do.

In one of my classes a couple of weeks ago, a young man thought it’d be no big deal to shamelessly read the day’s Daily Bruin, holding the paper up high so as to be visible to people in the class ““ including the professor. He should have known that a Pulitzer-Prize-winning academic would note such a rude gesture ““ and while I commend this hooligan’s taste in reading material, reading my column (which I’m sure he was doing) can surely wait until a coffee break. Snark goes better with espresso anyway.

Yet in the same class again, just days ago, another student ““ maybe the same guy ““ got reprimanded big time by the professor for chitchatting away and/or overtly fussing with a Sidekick cell phone. I felt embarrassed to be within the same airspace as him, but big ups to the professor for regulating with some old-school discipline. It reeks of gross disrespect and immaturity to make plans for the eve’s fine rager and chuckling obnoxiously when the professor is lecturing on the horrors of the Third Reich.

Granted, in some cases, politeness and good manners are not necessary and could actually contribute to a premature and gruesome death. Historians have hypothesized that more British people died in shipwrecks than Americans, because the Brits stodgily maintained that silly “women and children first” rule to the lifeboats, while the Americans applied that wonderful Yankee ingenuity by saving their own butts ““ no matter their gender. U-S-A!

Luckily for us, there’s little chance of escaping a sinking ship at UCLA, so good manners are still something that must indeed apply in daily life here. I’m not calling for a total manners overhaul ““ that’s the king of France’s job. I like keeping my elbows on the table and droppin’ g’s like Sarah Palin as much as the next person. But is it really that much of a hassle to say “thanks” when I drop off a sweaty towel in the Wooden Center, or to say “excuse me” when you bump into someone on Bruin Walk?

If you would like an application to join the manners police team on campus, then e-mail McReynolds at [email protected].