For many, sex is no casual affair
By Samantha Bryson
May 15, 2008 10:25 p.m.
When Jina Im was pledging her sorority as a second-year, she was shocked to find out that some of her fellow pledges were still virgins.
The daughter of a pastor, Im attended a Christian high school, and, until 11th grade, she planned on becoming a missionary and waiting until marriage to have sex. That changed shortly after her 18th birthday, when Im decided to reevaluate some of her lifestyle choices.
“I broke out of the box I was living in, and so I definitely went through a wild period my first year,” the third-year English student said.
But for Im, life outside the box proved to be short-lived.
The all-too-accessible stereotype of bed-hopping college students may not be incorrect, but there is a host of students who are proving that it isn’t necessarily universal, either.
The impression that sex is a casual affair at UCLA has a few easily recognizable sources, not the least of which is freshman orientation. Su-Yin Lee was given precisely that impression as condoms flew into the crowd amid cheers and laughter at her orientation.
Lee, a fourth-year linguistics and psychology student, did not have an atypical experience, and as she reflected on the day four years later, she said the message seemed like an endorsement of frequent safe sex.
But according to the Center for Women and Men, most students don’t end up following that advice: 61 percent of UCLA undergraduates under the age of 21 have never had vaginal or anal intercourse, according to the Web site.
“It’s still surprising to me when I meet people who are virgins in college,” Im said.
Despite the statistics, the word “virgin” rarely fails to raise an eyebrow or two when it comes up in conversation. But for some students, sex is not the casual matter the free-flowing deluge of condoms on campus might suggest it is ““ or at least not anymore.
“I guess I just got sick of it,” Im said of her lifestyle as a first-year. “It’s not like I was horribly promiscuous, but at some point you ask yourself why you are doing it, and you start to lose respect for yourself.”
When Im found herself in a committed relationship with her best friend, her view of sex changed suddenly and completely.
“We knew each other like no one else, and that’s when I realized that this is what sex is supposed to be like. There were times when I was crying, cheesy as that sounds,” Im said.
It has been over a year since that relationship ended, and though Im is not vowing to save herself for marriage, she is determined to keep sex within the confines of a committed relationship.
“After a while you realize that sex can be something beautiful and meaningful, so anything that’s not that just isn’t fulfilling,” Im said.
While Im’s personal convictions on sex are largely separate from her religious views, Lee’s conversion to Catholicism two years ago entirely redefined her views on sexual intimacy.
“I’ve done things I regret,” Lee said. “Becoming a Catholic made me realize what sex really is: this beautiful union between man and woman.”
Lee is determined to remain celibate until marriage, and until then she will patiently weather the struggles associated with her lifestyle choice, despite the social and cultural pressures to do otherwise.
“In Saxon (Suites) they always have the Sextravaganza (event). I feel like it just really pushes that agenda, and no one ever talks about how saving sex for marriage can be very fulfilling,” Lee said.
Abraham Chiu, a third-year psychobiology student, also points to his Christian faith as the reason he is determined to remain a virgin until he is married.
“It’s a struggle because (sex) is literally everywhere, and it’s so nonchalant. People don’t even notice it anymore. I just have to try not to ever second-guess myself or start justifying things in my mind,” Chiu said.
During his nearly two-year relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Chiu had to constantly remind himself of his beliefs and take steps to ensure that he didn’t stray from his chosen lifestyle.
“It was hard. When you’re that close with someone emotionally, it just flows naturally along to the physical. It was a struggle every time,” Chiu said.
Part of surviving that struggle meant avoiding situations in which sex could happen easily. When kissing started to become too intense, Chiu would seek out a change of environment in order to cool off and regain his composure.
Though he comes from a devoted Episcopalian family, third-year art history student James McEachern does not see complete abstinence as a viable approach to life in college.
“Abstinence is unrealistic. Part of being young and going to college is exploration. Sex is a big part of that,” McEachern said.
“It’s a shame to learn all of these new philosophies and choose to reject just that one.”
McEachern agreed that family background plays a huge role in shaping a student’s views on sex and that knowing that his parents were both virgins when they married does influence some of his sexual decisions.
“My mom expects our generation to be as virtuous as hers,” McEachern said, adding that by his standards he can still honestly tell his mother he has not yet had sex.
A discussion of virginity is rarely complete without a definition of virginity, and as McEachern pointed out, virginity can be a slippery concept to nail down.
Though “technically” a virgin, McEachern said that until he falls in love he is “totally satisfied with oral sex.”
In hopes of saving sexual intercourse until marriage, or at least a very loving committed relationship, McEachern said that “dinner, a movie and oral sex is fine by me.”
