Follow the lead to easy activism
July 8, 2007 9:05 p.m.
I’ve been feeling a twinge of guilt about my recent apathy toward political issues.
After listening to a friend’s passionate anecdotes related to the grassroots “Free the Harlequin Shrimp” campaign, dedicated to stopping the sale and domestication of Harlequin Shrimp, I decided to change my lifestyle to become a truly passionate and politically informed American ““ I needed to become politically active. But I needed a method of grassroots campaigning that didn’t compromise my style.
I was certainly not going to subject myself to possible sunburns while knocking on doors registering people to vote. And I was definitely not going to don campaign T-shirts or paste anyone’s name onto my car’s bumper.
But thanks to Ann Coulter’s and Michael Moore’s political activism, I knew the methods to make what I wanted ““ Democratic Party dominance in the next presidential election ““ happen.
My female mentor had aided John Edwards by publicly calling Edwards unrepeatable slurs and suggesting that he be killed by terrorists. He consequently raised $300,000 from donors worried about any negative results due to her actions.
In the hope of having similar results, I called up every major news source and told them perverted details of Hillary’s supposed ““ or rather nonexistent/self-induced ““ sex life. The reporters were so shocked that they forgot to ask me if it was true. Oops.
Then, as a tribute to Coulter, I added immoral statements, making the news report as unfriendly to family consumption as possible.
The next day, Hillary accumulated the largest leap in campaign contributions since she and Bill turned the White House into a Motel 6. Apparently, all her loyal supporters were worried that someone actually might listen to me. As if.
I continued my campaign by submitting a few alleged Barack Obama poems to the press (a couple excerpts from some others were already printed in The New Yorker last week). The poems described in detail Obama’s passionate idealization of Walt Whitman. I’m quite proud of some of the metaphors I ““ I mean, Obama ““ included: “Drops of sweat glisten as dew drops on a leaf. I’m mesmerized ““ watching the droplets shimmer and fall from their moist, muscular male bodies.”
Consequently, Fox News hit on the idea that Obama may be on the less traveled path of Whitman (I think that would be a bottom, don’t you?). Their clever writers said nothing explicit, but their aim was to fire up the Republican vote by surreptitiously suggesting that family morals were now at stake.
However, it was soon noted that instead of the Republican vote, they had successfully captured the gay vote. And they were centering their campaigning and donations around Obama.
I had done my part to aid the Democratic Party, but the Republicans were still strong. So, in an effort to sabotage the other side, I continued my media campaign and revealed Rudy Giuliani’s deepest secret. I told news reporters that I’d heard from someone who’d heard from someone else who’d heard from someone who knew Steve Jobs’ cousin who had heard from Steve Jobs that Jobs had gifted Giuliani an iPhone prior to the big release.
A riot began at Apple stores where people had been waiting in line for over 18 hours to snatch up their own iPhones. And, more importantly, all the bloggers sitting in line stormed the Internet with a more successful anti-Giuliani campaign than any biased news source could accomplish. But just bringing down Giuliani wasn’t enough.
I had learned a lesson from Michael Moore. So in an effort to hijack the opposition to the Democratic Party, I garnered millionaires into funding a movie about what would happen to America if it ran government programs, such as health care, more like Cuba or Canada. According to the movie, not only would all the millionaires move to Canada, but the United States would end in complete economic collapse.
The movie ultimately advocated capitalistic freedom. Government spending would be virtually zero, including the presidential salary.
As libertarian grassroots groups praised the movie and planned to use it to turn small government into an actual conservative issue, most Republican hopefuls ““ including Giuliani ““ didn’t return my calls. John McCain opened his mouth to say something, but apparently he had learned something too and decided to shut it.
As my political campaigning came to an end, I felt a sense of satisfaction. As I look back, it seems that my efforts have been a success. And I really owe it all to two people: Moore and Coulter. One couldn’t ask for better teachers than those who lead by example.