Keep dating books balanced

I once went out with a guy who insisted we split everything down
the middle. We split pizza tabs, the cost of miniature golf games
and $4 ice cream sundaes. And I’m not talking about
stretching out eighth-grade allowances. This was college.

The one time he actually bought me something ““ one drink
at a bar ““ I was so pleasantly surprised, I thanked him so
sincerely you’d think he had just paid for a fancy dinner or
expensive theater tickets.

His response to my thanks was, “You’re welcome
““ but that’s all you’re going to get.”

“Would you like me to pay for it? I’d be happy to
pay for the drink,” I said.

Instantly, this lone act of chivalry in a three-week
relationship made me feel incredibly eager to one-up him by paying
more than my share and showing him I could be chivalrous without
whining about it.

But, according to the dictionary, I can’t.

Chivalry, when it comes to modern conduct and not medieval
combat, is defined as a gallant or distinguished gentleman ““
not a woman.

And social norms reaffirm this definition, conditioning girls
that the guy should pay and that insisting on paying makes you a
hard-core feminist, when it’s just downright polite to
offer.

These days, women don’t need to depend on men for
financial security, and girls are often the ones asking guys out.
And not everyone is going out on boy-plus-girl dates. It’s
time to make finances fair in the 21st century.

I’m not advocating stringent accounting ““ just
considerate spending. Everyone likes to be treated to something.
Splitting a bill right down the middle feels more like you’re
out with friends ““ or strangers ““ than a significant
other.

As a general rule, whoever suggests the date should also cover
the tab, or at least offer.

There is no worksheet or formula to determine who should pay for
how much, but the bottom line should feel right.

And, while there is no “right” proportion of
male-to-female contribution, neither party should feel exploited or
dependent on the other.

Balancing a duo’s finances shouldn’t be as
meticulous and formulaic as doing your taxes, but a relationship
can become taxing if you feel like you need to take a second job to
accommodate having a second person in your life ““ or if you
can’t remember the last time you paid for something.

Offer to pay for a movie, dinner, concert, etc. because you want
to, not because you feel you have to. Though a fledgling
relationship’s dynamic is often male-financially dominated,
females should step up with their wallets ready.

If you can’t afford to match your partner’s payment
or even come close, inexpensive, creative dates such as a
candlelight dinner at home, going on a romantic picnic or getting
student tickets to campus plays or performances are all viable
options.

The best way to balance your relationship’s books is to
talk about them and not actually keep them.

If your partner isn’t paying for anything and you’re
feeling financially strapped ““ talk about it rather than
filing for relationship bankruptcy right away.

It may be an awkward conversation, but it’s mostly a tense
issue because it’s not talked out. Discussing financial
imbalance in a relationship can seem more taboo than necessary in
today’s dating world ““ all the more reason to tackle
it.

What we need is a revolution of fiscal fairness that
doesn’t involve counting pennies or breaking piggy banks to
pay the bills ““ just talking things over and treating each
other to a partnership of shared financial responsibility.

Bonos is the 2004-2005 managing editor, and this is her
penultimate column. E-mail her at [email protected].