“˜Ten Commandments’ musical an unholy mess

“The Ten Commandments” Kodak
Theatre

After cancelling a week’s worth of performances to
“re-tool,” “The Ten Commandments, The
Musical” will reopen tonight at the Kodak Theatre. But unless
producer/fashion mogul Max Azria and director Robert Iscove managed
to scrounge together some seriously improved music and choreography
in that amount of time, it seems doubtful that Los Angeles
theater-goers are in store for anything much better than the
bloated, under-directed misfire that garnered such terrible reviews
in the first place. But didn’t everyone already know that
this show, based on the smash hit French production that made waves
(albeit French waves) four years ago, and currently in its U.S.
premiere, was a long-shot from the beginning? Sure. It sounded a
little far-fetched. But the reality of “The Ten
Commandments” is that its failures stem from more than just
unconventional thinking. They were born from miscalculations of
biblical proportions. In the beginning, someone made the decision
that this musical ought to be sung through. In other words,
it’s really more of a pop-rock opera than a musical. There is
no spoken dialogue. This is a choice the minds behind the show
made, no doubt because they were looking for a way to get audiences
behind a singing Moses in the first place. If they never stop
singing, no one will question why they are singing at all!
Unfortunately, this was the wrong choice. The problem lies with the
often awkward combination of Patrick Leonard’s music (who
wrote a lot of hit songs for Madonna) and Maribeth Derry’s
lyrics (who won an Emmy for writing, of all things, soap opera
themes.) Instead of focusing on creating a handful of memorable
songs, this unlikely duo instead has tried to squeeze awkward bits
of exposition into endlessly drawn-out melodies that lack any real
inspiration. The entire score ends up feeling like one big, boring,
adult contemporary pop fiasco. That doesn’t even include the
choreography, which looks to be inspired by the sort of insipid,
family-friendly fare found in a mid-afternoon spectacular at Walt
Disney World. Viewers might find themselves wondering when young
Aladdin and Princess Jasmine are going to pop out of a basket and
start walking like an Egyptian. Except that would also, mercifully,
mean that there might be a catchy tune involved. To his credit, Val
Kilmer (who plays Moses) fades into the background for much of the
show, allowing the stronger singers in the cast to shine. But
because his trembling baritone (and a costume/microphone mishap
that caused him to miss his first cue and arrive on stage at least
30 seconds late on the night of review) really doesn’t find
its footing until his very last song, Moses comes across as the
least dynamic character in the story ““ which is a tough
position to be in after you’ve plastered the city with
billboards proclaiming, “Val Kilmer is Moses.” Perhaps
we ought to have Bill Clinton come on as a consultant to try to
explain what the meaning of “is” is. There is certainly
some singing talent here. Adam Lambert (Joshua), Alisan Porter
(Miriam) and Nita Whitaker (Ziporrah) all step forward to provide
stunning vocal performances. But any talented person found in
“The Ten Commandments” would have a hard time standing
out among the often overpowering special effects. Some on-stage
explosions are so bright and loud, epileptics should really stay
home. And for that matter, everybody should stay home. -Sommer
Mathis