[Football preview] Wildcats dwell at bottom of list

Coach Karl Dorrell calls this the “meat of our Pac-10
schedule.”

Well, while we’ll agree that it’s important,
I’m looking at it as more of an appetizer. Sort of like the
potato skins or jalapeño poppers before the prime rib.

After this week’s matchup against relative pansy Arizona,
UCLA is looking at Cal, Arizona State, Stanford and Washington
State, a combined 14-2 among them. That’s one gigantic chunk
of beef. And lest we forget, the dessert is top-ranked USC.

But let’s get back to those poppers, the Arizona Wildcats.
True story: Their state name originated from the Pima Indian word
for “little spring place.”

That’s because Arizona is a basketball school. March
Madness is what this school gets up for, not autumn Saturdays.

New head coach Mike Stoops hopes to change all that, and it
can’t be any worse than the literal mutiny of the past
several years. Unfortunately for Stoops, talent-wise, this is still
the same Arizona team that has been Pac-10 bottom-dwellers
recently.

Dorrell will tell you this Arizona team is dangerous, that UCLA
cannot afford to not be 4-1 going into the Cal game, and that the
Wildcats have an equal shot at winning.

But the truth of the matter is, this team is just not that good.
Look no further than Arizona’s last game against Washington
State.

They had the Cougars on the ropes, up by six points with about a
minute to go. And more importantly, they had possession of the
ball. But somehow, while running out the clock, they fumbled, and
Washington State went on to score the game-winning touchdown.
Bonehead play, no doubt.

But you’ll never hear Dorrell say that, being
ultra-political as he is. So we’ll tell you what he should
have said.

Dorrell says: “Our young defense is getting better and
better.”

Dorrell should say: “Our young defense is getting better
and better ““ against inferior offenses. First, the Aztecs
with their banged-up offensive line. Next, Arizona with its offense
that is so bad, it would be offensive to use the word
“˜offense.’ Now, if only Cal quarterback Aaron Rodgers
and running back J.J. Arrington got held out of next week’s
game. Probably wouldn’t hurt if Jeff Tedford announced he was
immediately jumping to be the pa head coach next week.”

Dorrell says: “(Mike Stoops) is a very good football
coach.”

Dorrell should say: “I was chosen over Mike Stoops for
this UCLA job two years ago.”

Dorrell says: “(Their offense) does a number of
things.”

Dorrell should say: “Their offense does nothing. They
average 13 points a game. Their rushing attack picks up under three
yards a carry. Oh, hell yeah! My defense is going to have a field
day. We’re going to hang a zero on the board.”

If you don’t get it, Arizona has a pretty poor offense.
They were only able to score a touchdown through the first three
quarters against Northern Arizona ““ yup, the same NAU that
both Dorrell and basketball coach Ben Howland both went through in
their collegiate coaching careers, and the same NAU that is
apparently now a requirement for any coach wishing to seek job
employment at UCLA.

It’s not like the Bruins are clicking on all cylinders.
They still allowed the Aztecs to drive, and they’ll still be
without Craig Bragg, meaning a receiver or tight end has to step
up.

And Arizona is still an upgrade over a Mountain West team,
talent-wise. The Wildcats’ best receiver’s name is
Steptoe, so you know he’s pretty good, and quarterback Kris
Heavner has been solid.

But, what I am saying, “With their new defensive style,
the Wildcats can keep this game close by shutting down the UCLA
offense,” is different from what I should say, “Arizona
stands no chance.”

Bruce will soothe himself with some Jack-in-the-Box stuffed
jalapenos if UCLA loses. E-mail him at
[email protected].