City shouldn’t sell gay marriage records

I write a column. You read it. That’s a natural connection
to make.

San Francisco sells a list of the gay couples who got married
there before the California Supreme Court halted the practice.
Someone bad and evil buys it and uses it to instigate hate crimes
against gay couples. That too is a natural connection to make.

Unfortunately, it seems the city of San Francisco was not
intelligent enough to outsmart those sly, overly intelligent hate
crime guys. That’s not a joke. Somehow, they really
weren’t intelligent enough. There haven’t been any hate
crimes connected with the list yet, but it’s only a matter of
time.

Let’s get out one more example, just for kicks. So
let’s say I create an invention whose only possible use is to
make things ugly. Then I give this to someone who loves ugly
things. Do I really have any right to be surprised at the ugly
consequences of this tragedy?

If you’re still not following me, the answer is no. I have
no right. But enough smoke and mirrors. Let me speak plainly.

According to Reuters, San Francisco is selling the list of the
names of almost 4,000 gay couples married in February and March of
this year. The list goes for chump change ($65). This could easily
facilitate hate crimes or other unsavory acts directed against
these couples. San Francisco, however, seems to be going out of its
way to produce this list for whoever wants it.

Now we all know I hate to be fair, but I think I ought to. The
city deserves its side of the story being told ““ it’s
only fair, after all.

Like all civil marriages, gay marriages in San Francisco are
public record. So anyone who wanted to could have gone in and
copied the records by hand ““ and both of those geeks who
actually would have gone in to make copies would have been
universally shunned.

Mayor Gavin Newsom said he believes the city is selling this
list at cost. He continued to claim it was doing a good deed for
those who would otherwise spend hours copying the list by hand.

OK, so we can probably all agree that this isn’t the sort
of scandalous illegal activity like the kind the news media loves
to wrap its paws around.

But I think it’s fair to wonder where San Francisco left
its rainbow-colored marbles.

After all, in a city known for its hospitality toward
homosexuality, I would expect the mayor to be more sensitive to
this community.

If the city goes out of its way to produce this list for anyone
who wants it, it’s just asking for trouble with a
“pretty please with a cherry on top.”

It seems unlikely that they would bother to produce a list of
heterosexual marriages performed during the same time if anyone
asked.

Oh well. I harbor no ill will toward the straight, so I have no
real need for such a list anyway.

Now, a lot of columns spend a lot of time complaining, as if as
soon as columnists are hired they immediately discover that they
are bitter, ranting human beings. But today I want to do more.

I not only want to complain about the tribulations that infest
our world, but also to offer the solution. In a rare show of
incredible creativity and intelligence, I have come up with the
end-all and be-all of solutions to this problem.

The city should stop selling the list.

But that’s just my humble opinion. And call it a shot in
the dark, but I think maybe a few other people out there feel that
aiding in the possible spread of hate in the world is a no-no.

So, Mr. Mayor, my flunkies and I have a few words for you. We
think selling hate is a no-no. It’s time to step up, outsmart
those overly intelligent hate crime guys, and save the world.

At the same time, you would validate all the time I spent
writing this. Thanks.

Schenck is a first-year undeclared student. E-mail him at
[email protected]. Send general comments to
[email protected].