Star Maps: Making Private Celebrity Lives Public

3:15 p.m. ““ I drive toward Sunset Boulevard in search of
Star Maps, which are usually available on every other street along
the strip.

3:30 p.m. ““ I finally spot a sign stating that there are
Star Maps at the next block. After finding the location, I pull
over.

3:33 p.m. ““ Stepping out of the car, I noticed that the
only person vending the empire of Star Maps was a young man
bouncing his head to the music in his headphones.

As I approached the vendor, I received not a warm smile, but a
cold scowl as he turns off the music in his headphones. I bought
the star map for $10 and tried to ask the vendor questions.
However, this request resulted in the vendor becoming irritable and
cloistered as he mumbled in broken English.

3:45 p.m. ““ After examining the tacky pink-colored map, I
decided to venture to Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s
house.

The map was surprisingly accurate. I wondered whether their
house would stand out among the others in size and decoration.
However, it was blatantly clear which house belonged to Brad and
Jenn ““ the one with the most surveillance. The house was
barely visible behind an ivy-covered gate ornamented with video
cameras and signs stating, “No stopping anytime.” I
felt as if someone was camped in a tree waiting to snipe me.

4:05 p.m. ““ Next, I headed over to the home of Halle
Berry, located just north of the Sunset strip. Halle’s house
was very different from that of Brad and Jenn. The house appeared
to have no surveillance, and the front door was not behind a large
gate at all. It looked like a hidden clubhouse decorated with
bamboo.

4:20 p.m. ““ I then used the map to find Ozzy
Osbourne’s house, which I figured would have many people
gawking at it with its new fame from the show “The
Osbournes.” However, instead of many tourists, many gardeners
surrounded the yellow house, which was smaller than it appeared on
television.

4:40 p.m. ““ The next stop was to Nicholas Cage’s
house. The Cage house was an immense castle of red brick,
surrounded by a red brick wall, complete with heavy
surveillance.

5:05 p.m. ““ I head home knowing I had seen the best houses
the map had to offer, as most of the celebrities listed were
outdated, deceased or unknown.

While Star Maps can be viewed as privacy-crashing tourism, it
reveals what great amenities money can buy and should positively
create ambition within its viewers.

-Clark Meyer