Bruins conceive new ways to use condom

By Sarah Balkin
DAILY BRUIN SENIOR STAFF
[email protected]

Put a condom on before sexual contact with your partner.

Make sure the condom is on right side out.

Leave half an inch of the condom at the tip of the penis to hold
the semen.

Roll the condom onto erect penis.

Withdraw penis directly after ejaculation, while the penis is
still hard.

Hold the base of the condom as you pull it out.

If the condom breaks, panic, swear repeatedly, blame your
partner and vow never to have sex again!

Everyone knows the condom is the only contraceptive that
prevents both pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. But in a
veritable sea of latex, what do UCLA students use to thwart the
sticky flow of fertility and disease?

When questioned about condom choice, many students expressed
their preference for condom abstinence.

Fourth-year political science student Kristen Morrison avoids
condoms because they “get in the way” during sex.
“We’re monogamous,” she said.

Morrison uses birth control pills instead.

Third-year cognitive science student Jonah Smith also declines
donning the latex dam, but for different reasons.

“My girlfriend uses birth control,” Smith said. It
is “generally more effective. Well, not with STDs, but
I’m not worried about STDs. My partners and I always have
tests done.”

Their distaste for condoms however, hasn’t prevented
Morrison or Smith from discovering new and creative uses for the
prophylactics.

Morrison has blown a condom up like a balloon and even used one
as a finger bandage. “I had to get the really small
ones,” she said.

Smith has participated in a condom fight with a friend.
“We snapped them at each other,” he stated.

When they do buy condoms, Morrison and Smith both purchase
Trojans.

“It’s a good name,” Morrison said. “If I
have to buy one I’ll get (Trojans). I’m not going to
buy, like, Thrifty brand condoms.”

“That’s the only one that you know for sure will
work,” Smith agreed.

Marques Wayne, a retail clerk at Zone d’Amour in Westwood,
is also reluctantly sleeping with the enemy.

“I hate condoms,” Wayne states. “Bareback just
rules. I always just go Trojans though, because they’re
distributed the most.”

Wayne goes on to express his distaste for Lifestyles condoms.
“They’ve broken on me during several occasions ““
at key moments.”

Students place their faith in established brands, but their
flesh doesn’t always follow.

“Among kids running in last-minute-desperate, it’s
whatever’s cheapest, and they usually buy singles, which I
think is bad planning. With the ones who plan ahead it’s name
brand,” Wayne said.

Wayne hasn’t noticed any difference between the condoms
males and females buy, but says “there’s a difference
in the way they buy them. Guys come in in gangs. Guys are
shadier.”

According to Wayne, men also tend to purchase special feature
condoms “because they’re in a hurry, whereas girls get
those as jokes.”

Zone d’Amour, whose name is as fickle as a wayward lover,
offers a dizzying array of condoms, including ribbed and studded,
tri-color (with reservoir tip), glow-in-the-dark, and flavors
ranging from banana to cola.

But do so many prospects cause Bruin hearts to flutter, mouths
to water, or seldom-mentioned muscles to contract?

“The simpler the better,” Morrison said.

According to Smith, “There isn’t really a
point.”

But when asked to describe the ultimate condom, users’
pragmatism blends with imagination.

Morrison’s ideal condom would be “invisible and you
couldn’t feel it.” She adds, “Glitter ones would
be fun. Glow-in-the-dark with glitter.”

Smith’s perfect condom would feel as if it wasn’t
there at all.

Wayne’s ultimate condom “never breaks” and
delivers “maximum sensation.” Also, “for men
who’ve been circumcised, it recreates the sensation of the
skin that used to be there.”

This article is now spent, and will withdraw immediately.
Remember to grip it from the base.