Quick tips for the less-assimilated immigrants at UCLA

Mike O’Young O’Young served as the
Electronic Media director in 2001-2002.  

As a mere green card holder, I have frequently used my own
deportable status as punch lines. I joke about the shiny lights of
American streets, and my favorite request to my citizen friends is
“if China and the United States go to war, can I come hide in
your attic?” However, having been here for 10 years, I feel I
should give a few quick tips to other less-assimilated immigrants
about life at UCLA. As a newcomer to this country and campus, you
should try very hard to make new friends. The best way to do
this is to imitate the majority by finding a small corner on campus
with people of similar ethnicity, and stay there. Do not try to
meet people who are different, for they only want to steal your
passport and report you to the ever-dreadful INS. Also, to avoid
the risk of accidentally adapting to the culture of the host
country, you should avoid speaking English in public spaces at all
costs. Locking yourself into a color niche will certainly help you
enjoy university life to its fullest. Unfortunately, since the
school isn’t as wealthy as a supermarket, we won’t be
getting any robot cashiers in the near future. Nevertheless, it is
very important that you don’t treat ASUCLA student employees
as human beings. Abusing them emotionally will only help make
them realize the horrible, useless positions they occupy. Believe
me when I say that we’re doing them a favor. Next to being
spazzy, the most popular form of student diversion on this campus
is complaining. You will observe freshmen, who apparently have
never walked up a hill before they came to UCLA, practicing this
craft while walking back up Bruin Walk to the dorms. You will hear
it from the chain smokers who loiter on the steps in front of
Kerckhoff, lamenting passionately about the price of their Panda
Bowls. What is particularly fun about observing the whiners is to
measure how fast they can run away from real issues and solutions.
With the exception of political science students, many students
here couldn’t distinguish the concept of civic duty from a
souped-up Honda Civic. This collegiate apathy is actually
beneficial to us immigrants, for we can quietly seize control while
the general population toils to find the crossword in the paper.
Another favorite activity among American students is participation
in school government because it is an excellent resume stuffer.
Here the student body is supposedly represented by an entity called
USAC. But for many years now its officers decided it was more
fun to hold rallies than work on, say, improving the number of
computers in Ackerman. But ah, this new David Dahle fellow! If we
had had more leaders like him back in the Old Country, maybe we
wouldn’t have needed to flee for America in the first
place.  Undeniably, the Daily Bruin is one of the few
organizations on campus that actually provides a useful service to
everyone. I would like to thank the entire Daily Bruin staff
for making me realize that there are still intelligent people at
this school, although they are all squeezed into a windowless
office in Kerckhoff. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for ignoring my grades
this year. Thank you, Herbert, Bryan, and Trinh for being great
pals and not snitching to my parents. Best of wishes to my
replacements Derek Lazzaro and Dennisse Quintanar, who can
certainly do no worse than I have. Some last minute ranting before
the new editors erase me from the staff box: R&B music sucks,
free market rules, and America kicks ass!