A poetic recapitulation, (really, a provocation), of one 4-year education

Doug Lief Lief served as a Viewpoint columnist.
  For four years now you’ve been a consumer

Of my unique and twisted brand of humor,

And so I thank the UCLA community

For affording me this opportunity.

But more than that, I’m feeling lately

That it’s time to thank all those who hate me.

If you’re among the group who makes that claim

Then treat this column as a drinking game.

Here is my toast, so raise your glass

For all the jokes that nailed your ass.

Here’s to all of you right-wingers

Who had to endure all my zingers,

Who questionably run our government

At the expense of our environment,

Who think the poor have an important niche

(They make a lovely hors d’oevre for the rich).

Here’s to the Democrats, who made it easy,

Comedy’s closest cousins are the sleazy.

Just when you think you were beyond it,

There comes another Gary Condit.

Here’s to our president and his predecessor,

Each would make a fine professor,

If the class were teaching booze or chicks,

As long is it was far from politics.

Here’s to on-campus groups, the tried and true,

The JSA and MSU,

Who makes our lives that much more cheerful,

Provided you survive the earful.

Here’s to the crazy folks on Bruin Walk,

And those wonders cov’ring it with chalk,

And those who use corrupted Christianity

To justify their borderline insanity,

Who take the fun from “fundamental “

Leaving us with just “da mental.”

Here’s to all those lovely ladies,

Who date those born in the mid-seventies,

Who fall in true love at first sight,

With any lumb’ring troglodyte,

If he can play guitar, or maybe bass,

And has more forehead than he has face.

Here’s to all those smarmy guys,

Who talk to breasts instead of eyes,

Who take girls out and don’t call back,

And then pretend they just lost track.

Here’s to authority, RAs and teachers,

Policemen, judges, parents, preachers.

Here’s to those who couldn’t take a joke,

(I think you were most fun to poke)

And scientists who’ve found the answer

To cyborg-eels instead of cancer.

Here’s to those who couldn’t make this list,

I’m sure you must be mighty pissed.

But if you fear my passing leaves a void,

Someone will come to make you feel annoyed.

So though I’m gone, don’t think that I am
through,

Don’t ever think you’re safe ““ the last Lief
is on you.