Library science degree: file that under “˜stupid’

Barari is a fourth-year molecular, cell and developmental
biology student.

By Sony Barari

Looking through the UCLA catalog trying to figure out a way to
weasel out of my latest D-minus, I stumbled across a real jewel of
academia. There is actually a graduate program, here on our campus,
called library science. Now, without bothering to actually research
the program (and possibly forsaking the comic potential), I will
attempt to relay the import of this discovery to you.

First of all, does this really need to be a graduate program? As
far as I can remember, every librarian with whom I have ever come
in contact has been a socially inept housewife who needs a little
extra income to help out around the homestead.

Other than an uncanny ability to impede potential hoopla and
merrymaking, I don’t understand why these overzealous school
marms need to attend a professional school, and thus be equated
with scientists, doctors and lawyers. I don’t even think you
need a GED to successfully put books on shelves. Hell, a properly
trained monkey with a fancy hat could probably do that.

Secondly, what could these people possibly be learning for such
a long period of time? I can’t imagine the Dewey Decimal
System taking more than a day to master. And what then? How to
requisition books and donations from private institutions without
annoying people? That’s another day at most. Come on, what
could be the most serious issue facing a librarian? How best to
maximize profits from overdue fees? If you overcharge, nobody will
go overdue. If you undercharge, you won’t make any money.
Ooooh! We better start a graduate program to address this!

And why must this be a graduate school? What is there to learn
that you couldn’t easily pick up “on the
streets?” It’s not like we’re training the
leaders in cutting edge library methodology. Are these people
developing theses regarding new and revolutionary decimal systems?
I’m pretty sure Dewey has it covered.

Now, I understand that working at the Library of Congress might
be kind of a drag, but that’s only like 30 people. They could
just take one of those mail-in courses, couldn’t they? They
could pick up gun repair while they’re at it. Now
that’s a skill.

Library science?Science? There is not a single scientific thing
about library science. Putting on a silly puppet show for kids
doesn’t exactly merit a Nobel Prize. They should call it
library communications, or library sociology, or some other
crackpot title. Please. Working in a library is about as scientific
as phrenology or astrology, and certainly less so than making
moonshine in a tub. And mind you, the program is accredited by the
American Library Association. Hallelujah! God forbid we have
librarians from DeVry or Brymon peddling their knowledge.

Now, I thought to myself that maybe I was being overly harsh, so
I decided to look into the program. Word for word, this is the
official description of the master’s in library science:

“At UCLA, the MLIS program provides students with a blend
of conceptual and theoretical knowledge and practical experience.
In the classroom, students acquire a solid foundation in
contemporary library and information science theory, information
seeking and retrieval skills, and information technology
expertise.”

Take a moment to read that again. “Theoretical
knowledge?” What is that? “Information seeking
skills?” I rest my case.