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Brad Pitt, naked, adds much needed appeal to ceremony

By Daily Bruin Staff

Feb. 14, 2002 9:00 p.m.

  Maegan Carberry Carberry, a fourth-year
political science student, is Daily Bruin Senior Staff. E-mail her
at [email protected].

The only way to describe this year’s Oscar nominations is
entertaining, but not mind-blowing. The movies up for best picture
were good, but not that good. The actors were impressive, but not
awesome. In fact, the only possible thing that could make this
year’s Academy Awards spectacular instead of bland is if Brad
Pitt shows up naked.

Are you listening, Brad? Because that’s exactly what you
should do. For the sake of filmmaking, fashion and the global
reputation of entertainment as a medium of social good, something
must be done to make this 74th showdown one we’ll always
remember. For anyone harboring reservations, I’ve compiled a
list of the Top 10 reasons why Brad Pitt should show up naked for
the Oscars:

10. Did you see the December cover of Vanity Fair?

9. Because best actress nominee Renee Zellweger doesn’t
deserve all the attention for playing Bridget Jones. It was a
fantastic movie, and I love Bridget as much as the next girl, but
gaining 10 pounds for a role does not constitute quality acting.
Nor is being a neurotic, weight-obsessed, man-chasing woman a
particularly challenging role to play: it’s simply

8. Because I sat through over three hours of “The Lord of
the Rings” and I still can’t tell you the names of any
of its characters. The only attractive actor in that movie was the
elf-man who glowed and had pretty Pantene-ProV hair. The best
character in the plot died halfway through. And why should we be
rewarding a bunch of jerks who left us hanging at the end, only to
wait until next Christmas for some other half-ass resolution that
won’t really be resolved until the following Christmas
anyway? “Gone With the Wind” was long ““ it was
good, and it had an end. And as far as fantasy is concerned, my
vote lies with “Harry Potter.”

7. Because if Brad doesn’t show up naked, best actress
nominee Halle Berry will. In fact, I hear a major designer has
offered her $1 million to arrive in body paint and clear heels. She
accepted immediately because she needs the money for the
“hit-and-run” savings fund she keeps for when she plows
over innocent pedestrians in her car.

6. Because we’ll need something to change the subject with
after actresses Penelope Cruz and Nicole Kidman finish up their
red-carpet catfight over Tom, in which Nicole, backed up by fellow
divas Pink, Maya, Missy Elliot, Lil’ Kim and Christina
Aguilera, will go down on that nasty little creeper while Tom tries
to decide if the scene is part of his imagination, if he’s
dreaming, or if it’s reality.

5. Because he was robbed. “The Mexican” should
definitely be up for best picture.

4. Because Joey has been getting a little too close to Rachel on
“Friends,” and someone needs to remind him who the top
dog in tinsel-town is.

3. Because with all the commotion about who will wear what,
simplicity is always the best answer. And when asked who designed
his costume, he can say “God.”

2. Because Russell Crowe has an enormous bump between his
eyebrows, and he absolutely cannot be the leading man of the
Oscars. Dennis Quaid must be avenged, and Brad is the only man who
can do it.

And … the number one reason why Brad Pitt should go to the
Oscars naked:

1. Did you see the December cover of Vanity Fair?

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