What type of Valentine are you?
By Daily Bruin Staff
Feb. 13, 2002 9:00 p.m.
 Maegan Carberry Carberry, a fourth-year
political science student, is Daily Bruin Senior Staff. E-mail her
at [email protected].
After much deliberation on the 21 Valentine’s Days that
have preceded this one in my life, I have come to the conclusion
that there are exactly four types of individuals on Feb. 14: the
bitter chick, the callous guy, the hopeless romantic and the
anti-Valentine.
The bitter chick is someone like me (before I entered our
relationship, honey). Valentine after Valentine disappointment
(i.e. sixth grade when Jason Payne skated with Brittney Bakke,
eighth grade when Steve Morris danced with Christine Newkirk, 10th
grade when Jeremy Krass asked out Megan Peevehouse and 12th grade
when Luke Vogt stood me up for a movie-date) instill a vicious
hatred of both Valentine’s and love in the afflicted.
The hatred is complicated because it is not really a hatred but
an immense desire to actually have love on Valentine’s Day
and is therefore exercised only as an act of caution. Should a
valid love opportunity arise, feelings of anger (or rage, as cases
can vary) will be immediately cast aside for the comforts of
twoness over oneness. Girls like this are alternately annoying,
pathetic and endearing ““ since everyone has been or
befriended one at some point or another.
The callous guy is someone like Stiffler from “American
Pie.” Where the bitter chick lives an existence of
contradiction, the callous guy has no hidden agenda beneath his
callousness. He wants one thing and one thing alone: action.
He is a predator. Someone who sees V-Day as an opportunity to
lure, manipulate, conquer and dispose of a vulnerable (often times
“bitter”) chick. The callous guy is the bitter
chick’s worst nightmare. He promises all the right things:
roses, a long-held-but-well-kept-secret interest in her, dinner
plans, dark lights and music. Inside she knows because the callous
guy is both too good looking and too good to be true. (Note: This
is, in fact, the first rule in the “how to be a callous
guy” handbook: You must be good looking. Ugliness is
absolutely unacceptable because ugliness equals creepiness, and
even bitter chicks know creepiness when they see it.)
The callous guy also keeps his options open, inviting many girls
out for the evening and waiting only until all have responded
before making a permanent decision. The best in their field can
actually pull off multiple dates on the same V-Day (i.e. “My
dad’s in the hospital, and we have to go be with him tonight.
I just had to be with you before I left.”)
The hopeless romantic is the fortunate, or unfortunate as the
case may be, member of a relationship. Starry eyes and marriage
plans are often trademarks of their V-Day cheer. They live out the
callous guy’s cheesy date, but they actually mean it. Not
much is to be said about the hopeless romantic, because any given
characterization of them can be found in any romantic comedy
starring Julia Roberts.
This leaves us with the antithesis of paper cards and chalky
candy, my favorite, the anti-Valentine. These are the people who
refuse to be limited by any sense of “titles.” For
example, this person might say: “Why do I need a day to
declare my love? Shouldn’t I be living it every
day?”
This same person will shun other lovebirds because they hate
anything bombastic or trendy. They are the people who hate the
Oscar’s for being infected with Blockbusters and not random
indie flicks.
These people purposefully refer to today as
“Thursday,” and deliberately avoid wearing red to make
their antithetical position known.
As you make your way through campus today, you will notice all
four of these characters. The bitter girl will be dressed up,
looking bright-eyed and hopeful before about 3 p.m., and then
dejected thereafter. The callous guy will have his hair gel in
place, ready to pounce. The hopeless romantics will walk
hand-in-hand, kissing every five minutes. And the anti-Valentine
will walk grouchily around, dressed in black and making jokes about
the patheticness of the masses.
Whichever you are, may your Thursday be satisfying.
