Pleasure yourself with a helping hand

  Ben Lee Handler Ben Lee is not suicidal,
nor is he blonde. Email him at [email protected].

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Dec. 31, somewhere between a hallucination and death by
self-induced suffocation, I had an erection.

A scarf I tied tightly around my neck separating my head from
the rest of my body, sent my mind slipping into a warm,
oxygen-wanting state of wet-dreaminess. Meanwhile my numb lower
appendages stroked my only fully functional organ to a
body-reunifying climax.

Exhausted and asphyxiated to the point of passing out, I was
somehow able to summon the strength to loosen my scarf-noose to a
knot not tight enough to kill me before I blacked out on my
bed.

Then, in a dream or some gray zone of half-consciousness,
Michael Hutchence ““ the recently deceased frontman of the
rock outfit INXS ““ came to me. He had not been as fortunate
as myself on his dying day; he was unable to loosen his knot.

He spoke: “Ben Lee, take it from me, there are other far
less dangerous out-of-body ways to choke it without choking
yourself.”

“But how?” I asked, confused.

“Let me give you a hannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd,” he
said, but the specter evaporated and I began to regain
consciousness.

Autoerotic asphyxiation ““ the inhibition of oxygen flow to
the brain to enhance or induce sexual arousal ““ accounts for
upwards of thirty percent of adolescent hanging deaths each year in
the United States. The casualties of autoerotic asphyxiation, also
referred to as “scarfing” and “terminal
sex,” are usually bright, active and typically healthy
people, save for their uncanny desire for other worldly sexual
experiences.

While the reality of such a monstrous number of America’s
best and brightest getting off by nearly ““ and actually
offing themselves ““ is truly haunting, the solution to this
horrific problem is even spookier.

But spooky in a good way.

When I awoke on New Year’s Day, I found myself lying on my
left arm in such a position that all circulation to the appendage
had been completely cut off, and my forearm and hand were left
totally numb. They were possessed! Within seconds, the ghost hand
had scared up my loins, seized and set them ablaze with such a
terrible focus that I nearly passed out again from the intensity of
so carnal a pleasure.

By sitting on or squeezing a hand until it has lost all
practical feeling, the person to whom the body part is attached can
easily conjure up the spirit of any celebrity, friend or family
member ““ living or dead ““ to occupy the fingers from
which his/her own essence is temporarily evacuated. Think Patrick
Swayze making love to Demi Moore through Whoopi Goldberg in
“Ghost”.

In the absence of a heartbeat, the hand becomes a vessel so that
one can be buggered by Brad Pitt, ridden by Winona, hand-humped by
Michael Hutchence and undone by Uncle Joey, all for the small fee
of a few decidedly un-harrowing moments of hand strangulation.

The ghost hand can prove titillating in intercourse as well. If
you are not quite the lover your partners wish you to be, simply
sit on your hand and send for the services of Sting or Madonna and
let him/her lead the way. It may feel a bit goofy at first, but
your lover will find themselves in the hand of a professional, and
you will be rewarded reciprocally.

As with any form of self-suffocation, the ghost hand technique
should be practiced in moderation; excessive tampering with the
flow of blood to your phalanges can cause the hand to actually fall
off (although this is exceptionally rare), or in less extreme
cases, result in arthritis and nerve damage, all while earning you
a less-than-holy reputation in the spirit world. (What would
Brad’s spirit think if you let Jennifer’s have you six
times a day?)

The ghost hand is a healthy alternative to scarfing oneself,
which today, a good two weeks after ditching my other New
Year’s resolutions, is one to which I am still faithfully
committed. By allowing those who would normally strangle themselves
for fun to carry on similarly without risking serious physical
consequences, the employment of haunted hands in the sexual
practices of our nation’s youth can greatly reduce the risk
of accidental suicide.

It’s a new year, why not ditch the noose and start over
with a clean slate, a clear head and a ghost hand.