Behold, the world prophecies for 2002!

  Ben Shapiro Shapiro is a second-year
political science student bringing reason to the masses. Click
Here for more articles by Ben Shapiro

The new year has begun and questions about the state of the
world abound.

It’s a good thing that your author, as a modern-day
prophet, can answer all the critical questions of our times. So
here, for your comfort and edification, are the events of 2002. And
remember, you heard them here first.

The U.S. will carry the war on terrorism to Iraq, and by the end
of the year the entire country will be a three-level parking lot.
Saddam Hussein will last be seen running through the burning
streets playing a violin.

India will destroy Pakistan by firing nukes after Pakistani
insurgent groups start an underground chain of All-Beef Fatburger
restaurants in Kashmir. Pakistan will counter the Indian attack by
firing Christian-tipped missiles into India. (Those religiously
tolerant Pakistanis!) After urging peace and love, the Pope will be
kidnapped by Islamic extremists from Pakistan.

Yasser Arafat, blind with power, will stumble his way into a car
with Israeli plates, and attempt to drive to his offices in Nablus.
His Fatah personal security guards, under “recommendation not
to attack Israeli vehicles for now,” will do exactly as the
orders say, and wait five minutes before hitting the car with a
roadside bomb.

  Illustration by JARRETT QUON/Daily Bruin National outrage
in the U.S. will reach fever pitch after 821 extremists associated
with Al-Qaeda are found attempting to bomb 300 McDonald’s
restaurants simultaneously. Calling the attempted bombings of the
McDonald’s restaurants “an attack on our nearest and
dearest values,” the justice department, backed by
overwhelming public support, will institute racial profiling as
law. Critics of racial profiling will point to one of the
terrorists who, while being Egyptian, had a paternal grandfather
who was German. Thus, the critics pointing to one remote exception,
as they usually do, will say racial profiling is impractical and
racist. What if a German wanted to bomb McDonald’s? He
wouldn’t even be stopped! The terrorists, meanwhile, will say
they were framed and blame the attempted bombing on “that
damned Zionist pig, the Hamburgler.”

Environmentalist loonies who continue to cry over the Arctic
National Wildlife Refuge will finally be silenced when, after
drilling begins, the caribou population skyrockets, and the caribou
stampede the homes of the environmentalists, crushing their solar
panels and eating their marijuana.

General Colin
“The-Gulf-War-Is-Over-And-Saddam-Is-No-Longer-A-Threat”
Powell will be busted down in the ranks after back surgery fails to
implant a spine in his body. Then he will be forced to personally
visit the families of each Kurd murdered after the U.S. failed to
end Saddam’s reign of terror. After, he’ll be relegated
to Fiji, as a U.S. ambassador. Condaleeza Rice, meanwhile, will be
promoted to Secretary of State, where she will promote a policy of
strength and courage.

The city of Berkeley, California, will secede from the Union.
Bill and Hillary Clinton will be appointed the dictator and vice
dictator of the city, where Hillary will enact her universal health
care. It will still be a failure in practice. When pot becomes the
lead export of the new state, Bill will finally admit that he did
inhale.

Tom Daschle will finally stop whining that tax cuts are only
going to the rich when he receives his tax rebate, and promptly
goes out and buys a new Mercedes, a purchase which will enable the
hiring of several employees in the automobile industry who will
then be able to buy other products. (Yes, this is a very quick
example of trickle-down economics. See, the market does work!)

Osama bin Laden will be found on UCLA campus. He will apply to
UCLA under its policy of de-facto affirmative action. In his essay,
he will claim “underrepresentation of Islamic
extremists” on campus, discuss his victimization by
“America (Great Satan) and the Zionist Entity (Little
Satan),” and explain exactly how he is underprivileged
despite having over $300 million in assets. He will become editor
of his own newspaper at UCLA and will be arrested by the FBI after
printing an offensive and provocative editorial. It will be
confirmed that his name is actually spelled with an “O”
rather than a “U” when his academic records are
released.

Al Gore, teaching at UCLA, will enter the political arena once
again, and will run for USAC president. After gaining the
nomination from Student Empowerment!/Praxis/Communist Party, he
will lose the election by one vote to Bob Dole. The deciding vote
will be cast by yours truly.

I love this job.