Why I hate the Trojans: Let me count the reasons

  Mike Maloney Maloney also hates coffee,
but he’s always up for just sitting around and eating a bunch of
caramels. E-mail him at [email protected].

Writing a “Why I Hate ‘SC” column is a lot
like the “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” essay you
were assigned on the first day of school every year: both can be
written off the top of your head and a kid from ‘SC has
trouble reading either one.

But I was having one problem: every sentence I tried to write
started with the phrase “I hate.” And all I could think
about was my mom’s reaction whenever I said I hated something
as a kid (i.e. “I hate broccoli!”).

This would invariably get my mom very upset, because it states
very clearly on page 214, paragraph three of the “How to be a
Good Mother Handbook:” “Your child should never begin a
sentence with the phrase “˜I hate.'”

My mom, of course, would always reply with the “Mothers of
the World” party line: “Hate is an awfully strong word,
Michael. Why don’t you say, “˜I don’t care
for,’ or “˜it’s not my favorite’
instead?”

So, in the interest of honoring a Bruin tradition, while still
appeasing my mother, here now are five reasons I don’t care
for the Trojans. Or, as I like to call it, “Five Reasons Why
USC Is Not My Favorite Program.”

1. The Band

According to USC’s website, “the trumpeted blast of
“˜Conquest’ always sends chills through the spines of
fans.” However, it should probably add that symptoms may
vary, because for most people I know, it has a more nauseating
effect. It’s one thing for the band to play the school fight
song after a touchdown, but they’re blaring this tune after a
two-yard run that brings up third-and-seven.

Here’s an idea: how about conquering the notes to another
song? How about the old “Lamb Chop’s Play-A-Long”
classic, “The Song that Never Ends.” It seems to be
right up their alley ““ it’s short, simple and repeats
itself infinitely.

Not much of a mascot 2. The Mascot

The Trojans’ media guide describes Traveler as, “the
noble white horse that appears at all USC home football games with
a regal Trojan warrior astride.” What exactly makes this
horse, let alone any horse, noble? The fact that it’s avoided
the glue factory?

And, “a regal Trojan warrior astride?” Puhhhlease. I
think we can all agree this “regal warrior” is really
just a very confused ‘SC enthusiast (Redundant? Probably). I
would have paid to see the expression on his face when the kind
folks at Medieval Times had to explain to him that Trojans
weren’t around during the Middle Ages. Perhaps I
shouldn’t kid about it, though. Remember kids, a dream died
that day.

3. “The Glory Days”

If you’ve ever had a conversation with a diehard Trojan
fan (remember to speak slowly and use small words), they inevitably
bring up “The Glory Days.” Something along the lines
of, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Remember before O.J.
was the most despised man in America, when we won those national
titles and had a Heisman winner almost every season ““ those
were the days.” If you’re someone like me, you have to
respond, “Actually, I wasn’t even born back then, so I
wouldn’t really know.”

If you ever do try and get them to talk about the present, you
get a steady diet of excuses. “If we hadn’t let John
Robinson go …” or “If Keyshawn would have stayed one
more year “¦” Well, you get the picture.

4. The Quarterbacks

Todd Marinovich, Rob Johnson, Brad Otton, Carson Palmer ““
the disgraceful list goes on and on. The worst part is, whenever
‘SC fans talk about them, they use the word
“potential” more frequently than a pubescent girl uses
the word “like.” I can’t tell you how many Trojan
QBs have had “all the tools” ““ it’s a
regular hardware store behind center at that school.

. ‘SC’s Gifts to Society

The list obviously begins and ends with O.J., but after closer
examination, there are really quite a few former Trojans that make
your skin crawl. Frank Gifford comes immediately to mind. And what
about Jason Sehorn? He might be the quintessential Trojan, long on
hype and reputation, and short on actual results. Never mind
getting burned in the Super Bowl, what about his much-hyped
appearance as a firefighter on NBC’s “Third
Watch?” What a bust!

So there you have it; five concrete reasons why I hate, er, make
that, five reasons why I don’t care for ‘SC. Oh, who I
am kidding?

Sorry Mom. I hate ‘SC!