Look in mirror to find your sexual soul mate

  Ben Lee Handler Ben Lee likes to rock
and roll and a hot dog makes him lose control. E-mail him at
[email protected].

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While watching Jet Li wage war against his evil twin from an
alternate dimension this weekend in his new film “The
One,” I’m sure I was not alone in thinking that the
action could have been a great deal more exciting if Mr. Li and his
identical enemy would have simply made love, not war.

And then I wondered why I was watching such a stupid movie in
the first place. And then I looked at my date, sitting beside me,
with whom I was not connecting at all, and in whom I would have to
invest a great deal of time and effort to even stand a chance of
getting laid later that evening. And then I had an epiphany,
ditched my date and drove home.

Think about the intolerable redundancy of the letdowns in dating
and searching for a date: every time an opportunity arises, every
time you go to movies, bars, clubs, concerts, church, etc., you are
forever clinging to the deep-seeded fantasy that at one of these
places you will find The One ““ the perfect partner, your soul
mate ““ only to settle for anyone who will settle for you.

It’s a Sissyphussian cycle of unsatisfying successes and
more frequent failures.

If only we would stop to survey this mountain we’re
continually scaling and slipping off every time we think
we’ve found the top, we would realize how easily the mountain
can be completely avoided; there is an alternate emotional-sexual
realm of infinite contentment and pleasure out there, and it is
considerably closer than one might think.

As I found this weekend, most of us are less than a hop, skip
and epiphany away from exponential bliss.

You can start along my expressway to enlightenment by asking
yourself this most basic question: “What makes up The One for
me? What do I want in a partner?”

Let me answer for you; I know what you’re going to say:
You want someone who has the same interests as you and a good sense
of style (like you). You want someone you can really see eye-to-eye
with, who will laugh at your jokes and cry when you feel sad,
someone willing to listen. You want someone who will be ready to
get naughty when you feel like getting naughty, but won’t beg
for sex when you’re too tired (or too prude, or whatever).
The One for you is into the stuff you’re into, and out of the
stuff you’re out of.

My friends, if you haven’t figured it out already, your
emotional-sexual soul mate is staring back at you every time you
step in front of the mirror.

She (or “he” if your reflection is not of feminine
nature) may have a heart of glass, but your love-twin is guaranteed
to share every feature of yours you find worthy of good
fortune.

If you will recall the days before you happened upon this
discovery (i.e. yesterday and the weeks preceding), it becomes
obvious how your reflection has always been a good, albeit brutally
honest, friend, forever unafraid to tell you about the black on
your teeth, the stain on your shirt, or how your hair is messy.

But your recent realization has caused you to want to escalate
this relationship beyond the boundaries of mere friendship;
you’ve been stricken with a deep lust for your looking-glass
other (much as I have).

To make love with one’s mirror-image is much easier than
you might initially imagine, for your soul mate knows exactly what
you want. When you move in to kiss, Miss Reflection is sure to kiss
back. When it’s time to press pelvises, your partner will
know exactly how fast or slow you want to go. And you need not fret
about satisfying your mate, for she will always climax on cue; that
is, she will never not orgasm on account of you, unless, of course,
you choose not to.

Penetrative sex may prove problematic if you and your better
half wish to add it to your repertoire, but it’s nothing a
fake phallus and a suction cup can’t fix.

Dressing your lover in different-sized mirrors and laying them
at various angles can create an infinite number of exciting
positions to simultaneously sex-up the toys with your soul mate
(but be careful not to become overly aggressive; you don’t
want to shatter the affair and end up with an ass full of
glass).

For persons daring to explore the facets of their newfound
sex-mavens even more deeply, glass cutters are relatively
inexpensive, and absolutely mandatory for opening physical holes in
a lusty reflection. Practice safe sex if you try this at home
though ““ a fresh hole will usually require a considerable
amount of latex-based caulking before it will be able to safely
handle any of your caulking.

The man/woman in the mirror may always reciprocate your every
motion when engaged in amorous embrace (or even when you just pass
by), but it will never ask you to change, grow or stop loving
it.

Any requests you make of your lover will ““ with an effort
on your part corresponding to the size of the proposal ““
ultimately be granted.

To think, The One, the perfect relationship has been right in
front of you your whole life, and it only took a lame movie for you
to find it.