It’s the write time to get liquored up

Illustration by ED OYAMA/Daily Bruin

  Adam Skalman Skalman is a second-year
American literature and culture student who, like you, enjoys
backrubs and gum. Send him an e-mail at [email protected]. Click
Here for more articles by Adam Skalman

It’s sixth week too soon, and as some of us plunge
headlong into torpid midterms and some of us just begin to dry off,
I’m giving thanks to my personal flotation device: the vodka
tonic.

The classical definition of alcoholism warns us that problem
children allow booze to disrupt their working and personal lives,
but college students know as gospel that the very opposite is true.
Alas, the subject of drunken college life got old (and somewhat
embarrassing) just as the Bush twins started doing impromptu table
dances at Austin El Toritos. Plus, it’s way more fun to
actually be drunk than to read about being drunk, unless
you’re drunk while you’re reading about being drunk.
(“Inebriate … that’s a funny word. I have to
pee.”)

I’d much rather talk about how alcohol affects our
academic responsibilities, and to raise the stakes a little,
I’m going to drink while I write, thus demonstrating the
mitigating forces of alcohol on the creative intellectual
process.

Beverage No. 1: Vodka Tonic.

Tasty, sweet and calming, the first drink allows the creative
mind to focus on the subject at hand. I personally like vodka
tonics because they make me feel like I’m a fast-talking,
heavy-smoking journalist in some Preston Sturges screwball comedy.
(“That source is a peach, I say, a peach. There’s a
deadline, Johnny, and I need more ice.”)

The choice of beverage is imperative, and must be matched to the
creative task at hand: white wine for sappy journal entries, light
beer for trailer park melodramas and absinth for stories about
consumptive French whores. (Note: Poetry requires large volumes of
alcohol to write, and even more to read.) Okay, the first drink is
downed, the wheels have been sufficiently greased and I am ready to
start writing.

Beverage No. 2: Vodka Tonic.

There are several important things to remember when writing on
alcohol. While one drink will get you primed, you may feel the need
to drink more and more to keep the ideas coming. Overdrinking while
writing can produce several different but equally catastrophic
results:

A) Alcohol can be sleep-inducing, and you may wake up five
minutes before class with an acidic hangover and 475 consecutive
lines of backslashes, so pace yourself.

B) Too much drinking may imbue the writer with insane
megalomania, resulting in overly-grandiose theses such as
“Edith Wharton was a frigid bitch” or “Othello
the play is more confusing than Othello the game, and not as
fun.”

C) Overdrinking can also make you forget what you want to write
about.

Beverage No. 3: Vodka Tonic.

Shit. Writer’s block.

Beverage No. 4: Vodka Tonic.

Ahh yes, now I remember. Spellcheck is very important to any
alcoholic writing endeavor. “Probabably” might seem
correct at the time, but it won’t fly with your TA. Also,
rereading your work in a sober state is always a good plan,
although if you were really, really drunk while writing, it’s
probably best to have at least one stiff drink before you begin to
revise, thus dulling shock and warding off panic. I have to pee,
and also drink more.

Beverage No. 5: Beer.

Is it, “Liquor before beer never fear,” or
“Beer before liquor never sicker?” Does it matter? I
can’t remember which I drank first. I’m a little bit
drunk, and I need to finish this.

What’s cool about drinking and homework is that you
don’t feel bad about watching “Friends” or
something while you’re writing, or even stopping doing it to
watch some TV or something, too. Also, you have to remememeber that
it’s okay to close your eyes and take some naps when you get
tired from too much writing and thinking. I have some all right
ideas when I go to lay down on my bed and stop doing some homework.
Also if you read whatever you’re reading and drink too while
you lay down and put on your jammies, it’s good for trying to
fall asleep. Then you can wake up and do your homework again
without wanting to go to sleep or something. Also, it’s good
to watch “Friends” or some TV while you’re doing
that.

Beverage No. 6: Indistinguishable but really, really good.

Gee, writing is really easy. What’s cool is that
I’ve forgotten about that I have some bills to pay and I lost
something I think my keys and where are my shoes? I’m
hungry.

Sometimes though when you’re drunk and writing about
something sad like war or old movies, you start to get sort of sad
too and you start to think about all the people that suck because
they dumped you last week just when you thought things were going
really well because you got them that book that they probably
don’t even remember telling you they really wanted to read,
but you remember, and isn’t that what love is really about? I
think so. Hiccup. I’m going to call him and then hang up.

Beverage No. 7: Spilled.

Oh no. It’s all wet from something I think I got on it
from a cup.It smes funnyand now someof thebuttons dontwork
rightanymore. i cantmake the key work anymore andsoicant type
“ike” or “tortia” or “parking
ot” and that sucksbecasue i reay wanted to make a specia
pointabout acoho at UC A and now I cant.

Beverage No. 8: Rum and Coke in sippy-tippy.

In conclusion, I think it’s important to mention that
drinking is a good way to
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