Oakland A’s dominate the idiot’s guide to MLB playoffs

Jeff Agase Agase realizes that fascist
dictators rose to power by appealing to the uneducated commoner.
Then again, so did Jimmy Carter. E-mail him at [email protected] and he’ll be sure to
pass your name on to the karma police. Click
Here for more articles by Jeff Agase

My editors hate me. They seriously do.

One of them came up to me last week and told me to write a
column about the baseball playoffs. I told him that I’m a
Detroit Tiger fan, so I haven’t had the desire to watch very
much baseball lately. It also doesn’t exactly make me the
foremost authority on the playoffs.

He insisted.

It’s not that I don’t know anything about baseball.
I realize it takes five balls to earn a walk and that Bobby Bonds
holds the record for most home runs in a season with 37.

But seriously, I told my esteemed colleague that I haven’t
seen enough Major League Baseball this season to make the kind of
unequivocal predictions that hardcore baseball fans look for from
the Daily Bruin. Apparently he wants me to make an ass of
myself.

So I did some research and figured I’d provide a guide to
the playoffs for the baseball layman, for the fan who doesn’t
memorize the batting average of left-handed hitters of Irish
descent when facing Seattle’s Jamie Moyer the day after the
Canadian stock market drops by more than five percent.

If you’ve just been horribly offended by that little quip,
don’t read this column. It will only frustrate you. The
crossword puzzle is only 10 pages or so away.

But for those of you who want to continue, please excuse me
while I make an ass of myself. In my crackpot order of finish, I
give you the major league playoffs.

“¢bull;Oakland Athletics (102-60): There’s no place like
“¦ Oakland? The swingin’ A’s have won 17 straight
in Mayor Jerry Brown’s municipality and have the first guy to
win the MVP who more closely resembles a truck driver than a
baseball player ““ Jason Giambi. World Series champs.

Karma police say: Good teams with small payrolls are cool. In a
payroll pinch, the maverick A’s would probably sign aging
teenager Danny Almonte for some firecrackers and Big League
Chew.

“¢bull;Houston Astros (93-69): The Astros nearly pulled off a
tank job that the 1995 Angels would have been embarrassed of, but
they still managed to win the NL Central for the fourth time in
five years. Veteran hitting plus consistent pitching equals World
Series runners-up.

Karma police say: The Astros are playing their best ball since
they wore those ridiculous clown jerseys in 1986.

“¢bull;Seattle Mariners (116-46): Kudos to the Ms for finishing
43 games ahead of Texas, but couldn’t they do any better than
116 wins? I mean, seriously, they call themselves a professional
baseball team? A’s rain on Seattle’s ALCS parade.

Karma police say: The last team to win 116 in a season lost in
the Series and has been cursed since 1908 ““ the poor Chicago
Cubs.

“¢bull;Arizona Diamondbacks (92-70): The AL West champs have the
best one-two pitching combo in the bigs in Randy Johnson and Curt
Schilling, but lack a consistent offensive performer outside of
unassuming slugger Luis Gonzalez. Pitching wins them one series but
quiet bats lose in the NLCS.

Karma police say: Karma wounds from Randy Johnson’s
accidental murdering of a dove during spring training are just
beginning to heal, but it may be too late.

“¢bull;New York Yankees (95-65): If they weren’t facing
the A’s in round one, they’d have their usual reserved
VIP spot in the ALCS. Baseball’s bullies finally go down
early.

Karma police say: George Costanza’s moronic mismanagement
was bound to eventually catch up with baseball’s finest
organization.

“¢bull;Atlanta Braves (88-74): They haven’t lost the NL
East since Bush was president ““ George H.W. Bush. But
experience is a double-edged sword: Some of Atlanta’s aching,
aging stars will get Social Security checks before they get another
World Series ring.

Karma police say: Braves draw bad karma from Ted Turner, the
offensive Tomahawk Chop, those drab TBS announcers”¦

“¢bull;Cleveland Indians (91-71): They have all the tools to
beat just about any team in a best-of-five series ““ except
Seattle. The return of manager Charlie Manuel warms hearts, but
this team has at most two solid starting pitchers and must face one
of the most dangerous lineups of all time.

Karma police say: Whiners aren’t winners. Shortstop Omar
Vizquel threw a hissy fit when he claimed Seattle reliever Arthur
Rhodes’ earrings were deflecting sunlight into his eyes.
Shouldn’t he be looking at the ball and not some guy’s
bling-bling?

“¢bull;St. Louis Cardinals (93-69): They split their season
series with the D-Backs but will find out the hard way just how
much playoff savvy Schilling and “Big Unit” Johnson
have.

Karma police say: They have a stadium named after beer, a
pitcher named Woody, and Babe Ruth for the 21st century. I’ll
let you draw your own conclusions.

So what exactly have I proven here? Not much. Don’t go
throwing your hard earned/stolen money around and then knocking
down my door if the A’s lose in the first round.

After all, what do I know? I still like the Tigers.