Record-setting season shows why baseball is far from boring

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As many baseball writers around the country hurry to cast their
votes for MVP and the Cy Young or go on record with their playoff
predictions, this columnist knows better. Let’s face it, a
column predicting who will win the Indians-Mariners first-round
playoff series is a bigger waste of space than the torn up IM
field.

Instead, this piece proves to dispel the myth that baseball is
boring. Softball is boring. T-Ball is boring. College baseball
(otherwise known as arena baseball) is boring. Major League
Baseball is not, and we have the following players to thank for
that (all statistics are through Saturday’s games):

• First Base: Jason Giambi, Oakland
  Athletics

The numbers (.342 average, 38 HRs, 120 RBIs, 128 walks), as
gaudy as they are, only begin to tell the story. At the tender age
of 30, Giambi has established himself as the leader in the
A’s clubhouse with his laid-back attitude and clutch hitting.
Our kindred spirit Brian Murphy (a former Bruin man and current San
Francisco Chronicle/ESPN.com scribe) might have put it best:
“Any dude who wears a T-shirt that reads, “˜Rake Like an
All-Star/Party Like a Rock Star/Hammer Like a Porn Star’ is
welcome in my world.”

• Second Base: Roberto Alomar, Cleveland
  Indians

As much as we love Bret Boone, it is impossible to bypass Alomar
(.336 avg., 20 HRs, 100 RBIs, 30 steals). Anyone still dwelling on
the infamous spitting incident needs to let go, or risk letting the
best in life pass them by. We’re convinced Alomar wears
tights underneath his uniform. And even if Alomar isn’t
Superman, at the very least he’s Baryshnikov with a glove out
in the field.

• Shortstop: Alex Rodriguez, Texas Rangers

Okay, so the Radio Shack commercials are painful to watch. But
while we haven’t seen worse acting since Luke Perry left
“90210,” let’s not forget that A-Rod gets paid to
play baseball for a living. In fact, the last time we checked he
signed a contract containing more zeroes than the sneak preview
audience for that “Final Fantasy” movie. Bottom line:
the guy can flat out hit, evidenced by his 52 homers this season
““ the most ever by a big league shortstop.

• Third Base: Cal Ripken Jr., Baltimore
  Orioles

Try as we might, we just couldn’t bring ourselves to pick
Chipper Jones (blame Skip Caray) or former Bruin Troy Glaus (blame
that .251 average) for this spot. To be honest, this team
didn’t need either one. Call this pick sentimental; call it
what you like. The fact is, Ripken didn’t miss a game for
more than 16 straight seasons ““ enough said.

• Left Field: Barry Bonds, San Francisco
  Giants

Sports Illustrated’s Rick Reilly didn’t want him to
do it. So-called baseball purists didn’t want him to do it.
And we know Todd MacFarlane, who dished out over $2 million for
McGwire’s 70th homer, didn’t want him to do it. But the
thing is, Bonds never much cared for what other people wanted.
Every last one of his 73 homers was an absolute laser beam. And the
numbers are simply ridiculous; they look like something produced by
that kid with the mustache you played against in Little League.

• Center Field: Carl Everett, Boston Red
  Sox

Other make-believe general managers might lament the fact that
neither Sammy Sosa nor Luis Gonzalez plays center field, but not
this one. The mercurial Everett is quite simply the most
entertaining baseball player in the league ““ especially when
he’s not playing. Any guy who believes dinosaurs never
existed, who in fact has accused scientists of
“planting” dinosaur fossils, well, is an easy choice
for our club.

• Right Field: Ichiro, Seattle Mariners

Without even cracking our Japanese-English dictionary, we knew
“Ichiro” must roughly translate to something like
“stud” or “Jordan.” The Japanese one-name
wonder (remember, calling him Ichiro Suzuki is like calling the
“Material Girl” Madonna Ciccone) is the most exciting
thing to happen to baseball since dot racing. The guy is like Joe
Jackson at the plate, Roberto Clemente in right field and the
Roadrunner on the base paths. We’re convinced he’s a
cyborg sent back in time to change the future for one lucky
ballclub.

For the sake of filling out the roster, I’ll take the ball
as the club’s opening day starter. Sure, it may seem a bit
self-indulgent to pick myself as this team’s only hurler, but
if this club was real, your Aunt Edna could pitch them to victory.
And besides, I have nasty stuff: a fastball in the mid-to-high 60s,
a curveball (in name only) and a changeup that hitters will often
mistake for my heater. Not to mention my .500 lifetime mark in
Little League, which I’ve always believed spoke for
itself.

Once the public lays its eyes on this team, no one will be able
to say baseball is boring ever again.

Oh, and by the way, I like the Mariners in four.