Forget skills; athletes are measured in eBay value

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An athlete’s value has historically been decided by his or
her on-field performance. Those who nailed the most perfect 10s,
hit the most home runs or scored the most goals were considered the
best in their respective sports.

But this is the 21st century, and on-field performance has given
way to online performance. There is one Internet site that gives a
pure, unbiased ranking of an athlete’s value to the global
community. It is not ESPN.com, CNNSI.com or even UCLABruins.com.
No, the only true way to calculate an athlete’s value is by
typing four simple letters into your browser.

E-B-A-Y.

For those of you not familiar with eBay (either you live in a
cave or a section of South Central known as USC), the site features
an online auction containing such valuable necessities as fish-tank
scuba men, fuzzy dice and torn collections of Garbage Pail Kids.
Basically, eBay is a swap meet without dust, a flea market without
fleas, and a garage sale every day of the year.

Before I go on, I must warn you of the dangers this auction
presents.

It is more addicting than Snood, Kettle Korn and double tall soy
mochachinos with a twist.

If you are in debt, do not log on. I myself have spent nearly
fifty dollars on a Jim Everett jersey, Starting Lineup figure,
autographed picture (probably signed by a fat bald guy named Ike)
and Everett’s not-so-sought-after rookie card.

That said, eBay can be a sports fan’s delight, full of all
those little oddities that every sports nut craves. For example, my
former roommate recently purchased an eight-foot inflatable
goalpost. It’s so large even Scott Norwood could kick one
through, and it will become even more useful when my roommate
secures that matching inflatable football.

An athlete knows he or she has reached success once eBay comes
calling. So far, Bruin running back DeShaun Foster is clearly the
best athlete at UCLA, as evidenced by the seven eBay items up for
auction under his name. Quarterback Cory Paus is right behind with
three, followed by gymnast Kristen Maloney, whose artistic likeness
can be secured for just over ten dollars.

You probably already know that Bruin athletics are better than
Trojan athletics, and eBay helps confirm this, because there are
522 listings for UCLA compared to just 508 for USC.

The UCLA individual considered most valuable by eBay is Jackie
Robinson, who has more items up for bid (470) than the entire
Brooklyn Dodgers (395). Of course, legendary basketball coach John
Wooden comes in second. Sixty different items appear when searching
for the coach. Highlights include Gartland figurines ($175 signed,
$14.99 unsigned), and an unopened bottle of 7-Up from 1975 bearing
the coach’s name. That’s one soft drink that’ll
probably never lose its pop.

UCLA football proves once again that it is the school’s
greatest sports revenue generator, appearing 80 times – more than
all other UCLA sports combined. The most expensive item found under
a UCLA football search is five tickets to this year’s
‘SC vs. UCLA game that are going for more than $800. I paid
one eighth of that for my season tickets this year. Maybe I should
sell my ‘SC tickets on eBay to pay for the rest of the
season.

The prices of some items seem exorbitant, while others are
genuine steals. For example, four tickets to the Cal game are
offered for $120. If I wanted to see such a slaughter I’d
head up I-5 toward Coalinga and check out the meatpacking
plant.

On the other hand, a Tommy Maddux autograph goes for just $2.50
to the lucky high-bidder. Two-fifty for the signature of a former
Bruin quarterback and XFL MVP? Heck, I’d even pay $2.85 to
win that prize.

That brings me to another eBay point. When someone finishes the
bidding period as the high bidder, he or she claims to be the
“winner.” But who really comes out on top, the buyer or
the guy who just sold a Britney Spears light switch for seven
bucks?

The most expensive sports item I found during a recent search
was a Michael Jordan one-of-a-kind autographed basketball card
offered for $25,000. The least expensive was a Frank Viola
Cap’n Crunch baseball card for 25 cents. Of course, the
shipping and handling cost twice as much Viola’s card.

EBay has taken over some people’s lives. Last year my
brother’s roommate, a theater major, allegedly sold his soul
on eBay. He removed it from auction once he discovered that his
mother was the high bidder. The bidding started at 75 cents.

Speaking of 75 cents, as of last Friday, for just three quarters
of a dollar or less you could win: 23 Kirk Gibson baseball cards, a
Stan Humphries Starting Lineup figure and a set of five Charles
O’Bannon cards.

It seems that eBay has recently come under fire from social
critics because it can be an expensive addiction.

But I ask you, dear Bruins, why is this any different from my
mom’s Nordstrom habit, my aunt’s QVC addiction or my
Uncle Albert’s Spearmint Rhino dependency?