NorCal, SoCal speak different languages

By Marc Nickel

I expect to catch plenty of heat for writing this, but it needs
to be said. The Bay Area is nothing but a haven for self-righteous,
wheat-germ-eating hippies and out-of-work dot-commers.

Though I spent the majority of my formative years in the Bay
Area, I couldn’t be paid enough to go back, and if I decide
to stay in California, Los Angeles is my town. Southern California
has a bad rap, I’ve heard them all. “L.A. is so
fake.” “I can’t believe the smog in that
town.” “L.A. traffic is so bad.” Skip it; NorCal
has all that and more.

First off, what’s with “hella?” Yeah, I used
to say it, but until I came to UCLA I never knew what kind of crap
people were doing with the word. My freshman year I was sitting in
a class discussion and somehow the subject turned to the use of
“hella” ““ God knows how, it was a math class.

Some guy said that at his school “hecka” was the big
word, which surprises me a little, as hecka is usually resigned to
those kids who won’t touch a drop of booze, regard cigarettes
as a narcotic and consider “hella” a swear word.

This prompted a girl to say that in the name of compromise,
people at her school started using “helka.” Helka?
Isn’t that the name of the sergeant from
“Stripes?” Regardless of this whole “hella”
bastardization crisis, where the conversation went next is so
unbelievable I wouldn’t buy it if I hadn’t heard it
with my own ears.

Some girl actually said that the hip word at her school which
replaced “cool” was “ass.” Ass! As in,
“That’s ass,” or “You look ass
tonight.” I don’t know about you but I think that kind
of thing could lead to a whole lot of confusion. Where on earth do
these people come up with this stuff? Never in my three years in
SoCal has anyone ever said I looked like ass and meant it as a
compliment.

What about the loony ideas people have up north? I think the
main reason I could never go to school in, oh, say Berkeley, is
because the kids there think you can find out the great truths of
the universe by talking to a bum who calls himself Dr.
JokÈmon.

Not to mention the fact that they think the environment is so
much cleaner in the Bay. This is the same Bay that is so full of
mercury that you can’t eat the fish in it. The only air worse
than the Bay Area’s in the entire state is L.A.’s.

What about the word “the?” Freeways in the Bay Area
are “580,” or “101,” not “the
580″ or “the 101.” I guess I go hop on freeway
when I need to get to airport. The same goes for BART (Bay Area
Rapid Transit). Every other city with a light rail calls it
“the something.” Boston has the T, New York has the
subway, Chicago has the El, hell, even L.A. has the Metro Link. But
no, I ride BART to Oakland. It sounds like you’re talking
about your trusty steed. What is it with NorCal and the word
“the?” Is “the” a word of the capitalist
oppressors?

And if you have a problem with L.A. traffic, don’t try
getting away from it in the Bay Area. Despite their precious BART,
try to get into or out of San Francisco or Oakland at rush hour any
day of the week. At least in L.A. you have multi-freeway options,
let alone city streets.

So you can keep your NorCal, I’m comfortable in Los
Angeles. Oh comfort, that’s another issue all together.
It’s sunny and 70 degrees roughly 340 days a year in L.A. I
was in San Francisco one afternoon in the middle of June and it was
45 degrees! Forty-five! It doesn’t even near 45 in L.A. in
December, let alone June.

Northern California has already taken enough years from me,
I’ll be damned if I let it have anymore. And if any of you
NorCal kids feel a little homesick, my advice is to go out this
winter, get yourself a copy of Oscar-nominated songwriter Randy
Newman’s “I Love L.A.,” go to the beach and let
the sun bake the NorCal right out of you.