How well are you being taught?

  Mitra Ebadolahi Ebadolahi is a
fourth-year international development studies and history student
who believes that the forces of good will kiss evil on the lips.
She encourages comments at [email protected].

Click Here for more articles by Mitra Ebadolahi

Wah wah wah-wah, wah wah wah-wah-wah.” It’s sad but
true: Charlie Brown wasn’t the only one who had to suffer the
sound of a terrible teacher rambling on like a mad hatter at a tea
party.

We’ve all been trapped behind a tiny desk watching a
malicious clock tick-tocking seconds that drag on for hours. So
what, exactly, are we paying $15,000 a year for?

For most of us, the possibility of a profound professor vanished
into thin air shortly after the Sears Santa Claus was exposed as a
phony. If your socks do get knocked off at your next lecture,
it’s probably because you’ve died of boredom and the
undertaker is undressing you at the morgue.

Fellow students, it’s time to let the cat out of the bag.
Contrary to popular belief, professors are here to teach us. In
fact, providing students with higher education was the reason
universities were built in the first place.

Incredible, but true.

Alas! We live in the era of the Corporate University, a time
when faceless, unaccountable businesspeople (the UC Regents)
prioritize university profits over the education process.

In this day and age, education has been tainted by terminal
diseases such as the “publish-or-perish” sickness. As a
result of POP, students have been reduced to a tedious chore, an
obstacle preventing professors from spending more time competing in
the rat race.

Tragically, no one is safe from POP, since most uninfected
professors are usually denied tenure by the Corporate University.
This practice, known as EPON (Enthusiastic Professors Out Now!), is
designed to weed out professors who actually care about student
learning, as they often set a bad example and encourage students to
demand what we deserve.

Sadly, students have found it increasingly difficult to
determine the actual quality of their education.

But there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Allow me to introduce the new and improved Quality of Education
Index, a simple tool designed to allow students to determine
““ surprise! ““ the quality of their education.

Based on a simple point scale, the QEI also provides students
with an invaluable tool for diagnosing POP syndrome so we can
determine just how ill (and uninterested) our professors really
are.

For each sub-category, 10 points are reserved for the best of
the best. Lesser professors should receive fractions thereof:
mediocre performers deserve five points, and utter failures one
point only.

The first portion of the QEI is designed to assess communication
skills. With enough privilege, anyone can get a Ph.D. Communicating
with students, on the other hand, is an art form, a skill that can
only be cultivated with a great deal of effort and humor.

Clear, engaging lectures merit the full 10 points. On the flip
side, those self-absorbed profs who continue to ramble or infuse
lectures with egotistic anecdotes should be moted and slapped with
the one-point penalty.

If students look confused or half-dead, a great professor knows
it’s time to shut up and listen, and solicits questions and
comments. This also merits 10 QEI points.

Round two: preparation. This component of the QEI involves a
careful analysis of course Web sites, texts and, of course, that
famous staple of week one, the syllabus. Reading outdated materials
is a surefire catalyst for suicidal tendencies when you are stuck
in a major requirement for 10 weeks.

Current syllabi, including up-to-date readings and stimulating
assignments, deserve 10 QEI points. Functioning Web sites with
useful and timely reviews and supplements win another 10, as do
truly fascinating reading materials. A bonus of 10 QEI points
should be added when professors take the time to compile
contemporary readers rather than relying on a single, monotonous
textbook.

A great professor can often be characterized by three little
words: available, available, available. MIA professors, who are
usually at a terminal stage of POP syndrome, are a surefire
antidote to a great QEI. Yet every student has experienced Ghost
Profs, who show up to class and then vanish into thin air, never to
be heard from again.

To develop critical analyses and remove education from the
stifling realm of lecture halls and discussion sections, students
need available professors. Accordingly, the QEI allots 10 points to
each of the following: professors who hold regular office hours,
respond rapidly to e-mails, offer students a phone number and
schedule individual appointments for discussion.

Finally, nothing makes a class more interesting than an
engaging, provocative discussion, especially smack-dab in the
middle of a three-hour seminar. Discussions are key in promoting
critical thinking and deterring students from worthless
regurgitation.

Professors who instigate discussions merit another 10 QEI
points, as do those who actually respect their students’
comments. After all, true learning is reciprocal and does not
emanate from the lecturer’s podium only.

Now let’s tally. With 12 categories in the QEI, the
maximum professor score is 120 points.

If your professor scored between zero and 40 points: run far,
far away. Drop the class (if possible) or come armed with some
diversion. Write a scathing review on www.uclaprofessors.com to
warn fellow students. If you are a professor who has scored in this
range, consider changing professions. If not for your own sake,
then for your students’ sake, for the love of God.

Forty-one to 80 points: Eh, it’s not so bad. This point
range often indicates a well-meaning professor who may need a crash
course in teaching but who also might be trapped with indifferent,
irresponsible students. Before you start complaining, ask yourself
if you are attending lectures, completing reading assignments and
going to office hours. Yes, my friends, we do have to work for our
education.

If your professor scored close to or over 100 points, be amazed.
Next, be afraid. Attempt to draw attention away from his or her
phenomenal teaching skills. If word of greatness leaks to the
Corporate Enforcers, this diamond-in-the-rough may be a victim of
EPON. Regardless, you can rest assured that you are getting the
most out of your education ““ at least in this one class.

As for the rest of your study list, don’t forget that
crossword puzzle.