Grown-up play dates need careful planning too

  Ben Lee Handler Handler is a fifth-year
student of English and bootycology. Send him some e-mail at
[email protected].

Elementary play dates (hastily arranged
can-Ben-meet-David-at-the-swing-set-for-an-hour-while-I-go-grocery-shopping
types of deals) offered much needed breaks of routine for everyone.
Mom got to do mom stuff, and I got to play with people. And it was
fun.

But somewhere between third and fourth grade, my mother stopped
fixing me up on play dates with similarly socially-handicapped
children from the Hebrew school, and started asking me when I
planned to get married.

Not surprisingly, the absence of play encounters instigated by
my mother created a huge void in my social life that took years to
fill.

Then I discovered hastily arranged meetings for mindless sex.
These are the Booty Calls: play dates for grown-ups featuring sex
instead of swings ““ sex on the swings if you’re into
that sort of thing ““ with no strings attached if you can
swing it right.

And after years upon years of research in the booty call field
““ bootycology, if you will ““ I feel I have gained the
know-how to prevent your next booty call from becoming a booty
calamity.

Before you begin, you’ve got to take a good look in the
mirror and be honest. Is the face staring back a Tom Cruise or a
Tom Crash? A Nicole Kidman or a Nicole
You’ve-Got-To-Be-Kidding-Me?

Rate yourself on a scale of one to 10 booty index points ““
10 meaning you are a Winona Ryder-Johnny Depp hybrid ““ and
follow this simple booty formula: (your booty index) ““ (five
booty index points) = (your prospective booty callee index).

The most difficult part of bootycology is learning to set your
sights low. Think of it this way: If Joe Ugly from your biology lab
rings you on Friday at three in the morning and asks if you want to
come over to his pad and party, you and your friends are going to
be laughing at Joe Ugly in biology lab later Friday morning.
However, when Kiana Duyuwanna is the caller, you’ll be
borrowing notes from your buddies on Saturday.

We all have our places on the booty call food-chain, and those
of us who wish to assume them are the few who get laid.

Now you have picked a prospective booty from the pool of those
you have indexed, and we can move on to the actual phone call.
First, when to dial.

It is imperative that you phone your to-be booty-friend between
the time she/he arrives at home in the evening and her/his actual
bed time. A call before or after these times allow, “I
wasn’t home,” or, “I was sleeping,” to
become legitimate excuses for turning you down.

The goal is to connect just as your Ken/Chrissy is undressing,
and before any pajamas are put on because booty undressing means
there is going to be less work for you. People feel sexy as they
undress themselves, and you want the next notch on your bedpost to
feel as sexy as possible when the phone rings.

The phone is ringing, and your target picks up. I prefer to
break the ice with a confident and somewhat ambiguous statement or
question like, “this doggy wants a bone, can you
play?”

Notice how my name is not included in the opening line. Although
I have succeeded in a few instances with a more straightforward
approach, this one is my favorite because, however shocked the
callee might be, they are immediately locked into the whole game of
“who might this doggy be?”

And if you’ve been following instructions, you are a whole
five booty index points above the person on the other end. She/he
will be thrilled to discover it is you. You’re in!
You’re going to score.

Now, your place or booty’s? While it is tempting to remain
in the comfort of one’s abode, this bootycologist’s
research suggests that it is probably better to close the deal at
the booty’s place. For one, it is difficult for the callee to
conveniently not show up when you are going to his/her house, and
secondly, the bootycologist can keep the location of his/her own
dwelling anonymous.

And we don’t want an ugly, angry booty showing up when
someone five points higher on the booty index is over at our house,
do we?

And please practice safe sex; it’s a jungle out there!