Suburban life breeds discontent

  Ariana Brookes Brookes is a fourth-year
English student who knows that Diet Coke is the drink of champions.
E-mail her at [email protected].
Click Here for more articles by Ariana Brookes

It’s the middle of the summer, a time to be happy and free
from the toils of UCLA life. So how come I can’t wait to go
back to school?

Like many students, summer finds me out in the suburbs much of
the time. And, not surprisingly, when I spend too much time in the
outer limits, my mind starts to race with furious comparisons to
the city.

In honor of the giant step backward that many of us must make
when the summer rolls around, I present a list of why I hate the
suburbs:

MTV as real life

If you have ever ventured into a suburban shopping mall, you
know what I’m talking about. It’s as though
you’re living inside the T.V. screen, and the only channel
you can get is MTV.

The entire youth population has turned into one giant pop star.
Apparently, when a suburbanite reaches the age of 13, they are
handed a form forcing them to choose which pop star they will dress
like for the next seven years. Options include Kid Rock, Eminem,
Britney Spears, Destiny’s Child and a few others whose
personal style have come to dictate what is and is not
“cool.”

  Illustration by ERICA PINTO/Daily Bruin
Mass-produced housing

The only skill necessary for becoming an architect in the
suburbs is the ability to wield a cookie cutter. Every house looks
exactly the same. Most missing children in the suburbs are found
not to have been kidnapped; they just became lost trying to find
their house.

Due to existing rules in many areas which keep home owners from
painting the exterior of their houses certain colors, the only
distinguishing factor available is your car. And, truth be told,
there isn’t much originality in that department either. SUVs
have spread through the suburbs like a bad disease.

Smoking as a federal offense

If I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned this: never
run out of cigarettes at three in the morning if you live in the
suburbs.

While in Los Angeles you can pretty much walk a block in any
direction and find a cigarette vendor, finding cigarettes in the
suburbs is like searching for the Holy Grail. It’s near
impossible. I discovered this while walking over a mile trying to
find a grocery store. Forget about 7-Elevens … they don’t
exist.

Even if you manage to find cigarettes in the suburbs, smoking is
no pleasurable experience. You get stares that would make James
Dean turn over in his grave. You’d swear you killed children
or something every time you discretely take a puff.

The Time Machine Effect

Every time I travel the hour out to my mom’s house in the
suburbs I find that in truth I have really traveled back a decade.
All around me I see people living in the early 90’s. If it
weren’t for the teeny-boppers at the mall, I’d swear I
was living in 1991!

Technology seems to have left these people behind. I see women
wearing shorts that literally make me shudder. Men are still
sporting mullets; apparently they don’t realize that mullets
became a faux paux when I was still in elementary school.

The air itself is stale, as though nothing has changed in 10
years ““ it’s disgusting.

Multiplexes

When I go to see a movie in L.A. I expect to sit in a damp
theater older than I am with only four shows playing. I’ve
come to love that; such an atmosphere defines the moviegoing
experience for me.

But going to the movies in the suburbs is like going to an
amusement park. Since malls and movie theaters provide the only
entertainment out there, both are taken to whole new levels. If a
theater doesn’t showcase at least 20 different films at a
time, it’s looked down upon.

You can expect to sit in plush seats, arranged amphitheater
style. The screen is five stories high. People often arrive at the
theater two hours early so that they can play arcade games in the
lobby. And I’m not talking about one dinky Mario Brothers
game either. They have enough games there to keep a kid busy for an
entire day. It’s capitalism at it’s best.

Children’s sports teams

Every major leaguer should come out of the suburbs with the
amount of practice kids get out there. A family’s entire
existence is often centered around their child’s sports team.
Little League is like God to these people; lose a game and
you’re going straight to Hell.

Every kid on the block plays something; their ability to hit a
ball determines their status as a suburban dude. Forget about going
to the park on the weekends; do it and you’ll be sorry. The
parks are taken over every weekend by young sluggers and their
families. Without a team shirt on, you’ll stick out like a
sore thumb.

The radio station monopoly

When in L.A. I’ll often complain that there aren’t
any decent radio stations and swear that the only station I can
depend on is the oldies station. My attitude does a 180 when I go
out to the suburbs.

Compared to the stations out in the suburbs, KROQ seems like
music for the gods. If it isn’t coated in glitter, those
stations won’t play it. The stations consist of pop, pop and
more pop. Well, OK, they play some rap, too.

Turning on the radio is futile, it only leaves you feeling
angry. You start wondering if there is some secret conspiracy going
on; perhaps the biggest pop acts have gotten together and bought
out the air waves? After all, what other explanation could there
possible be?

***

With this evidence, how could a suburban-bound student not want
to go back to UCLA as soon as possible? Sure, school involves
classes, work, waking up before noon and many other undesirables,
but what can I say? Los Angeles is home sweet home to me.