Society could use basic cable rebirth

  Adam Skalman Skalman is a second-year
American literature and culture student who, like you, enjoys
backrubs and gum. E-mail him at [email protected]. Click
Here for more articles by Adam Skalman

Fifty years ago, mothers and alarmists everywhere thought
television would descend upon young American minds like
brain-eating bacteria, stripping their kids of independent thought
and Cold War common sense. I hear Allen Ginsburg originally began
“Howl,” “I have seen the greatest minds of my
generation destroyed by the Flintstones.”

Their fears may have been justified. But all that ridiculous
“kill your television” creepiness is futile at this
point. Besides, TV is pretty amazing, and I love it just as much as
every other mush-brained American consumer zombie.

But there is trouble brewing in TV land. While our grandmothers
wrung their hands over possibly IQ-sapping programs, our mothers
now have more than 285 channels to disapprove of ““ and I
share some of their apprehension.

Basic cable opened up new worlds of existential delight to
isolated suburbanites. CNN is a great leveler, making information
accessible to all on a 24-hour basis. Nickelodeon created
“Ren and Stimpy,” an important, albeit animated,
formative force on contemporary youth, teaching the utility of logs
and warning against the dangers of urinating on electric
fences.

But digital cable, meaning channels 80 through god knows how
many, is destroying the philosophical fabric of basic cable. Our
young people are being kidnapped at their most lucid and absorptive
stage, before they have gotten the chance to meander through the
menagerie that is basic cable.

In our current mania for bigger, better, faster and more
titillating cable entertainment, we have neglected the lessons from
the Turner-era relics left over from cable’s past. We are
delivering the fallout from this dangerous oversight onto the next
generation of TV-heads.

I propose a renaissance, a rebirth and a rediscovery of what
basic cable has to offer our parched and longing intellects. Let us
relinquish our petty and simplistic infatuation with StarzAction!
and Cinemax West and HBO and HBO and HBO.

Do we really need to see “Ready to Rumble” or
“Pay It Forward” … again? Should we be repeating
these horrific mistakes on several different channels at once?
Should we be making mediocrity even more prevalent? Should we be
charged for it?

The answer, dear reader, is a steadfast and pleading,
“No!” Open up your TV Guide and behold the worlds of
wonder that are at your fingertips, those that can be reached
without the 100+ button on your remote.

For instance, the Lifetime channel is inaccurately advertised as
Television for Women. It has something to teach all of us,
regardless of which way our shirts button. Where would we be
without the timeless wisdom of the Golden Girls? I know my life is
richer now that I know the intimate details about sex between old
people. I’m sure we’ve all lost sleep wondering.

Lifetime brings us this little slice of Freudian heaven at least
twice a day, so if you didn’t know already, you can easily
learn what happens when old women go to the grocery store to buy
condoms. Personally, “Golden Girls” is a constant
reassurance that I’ll still be able to get some when
I’m over 60.

Lifetime also provides little nuggets of truth and beauty in the
form of orphaned TV movies that it adopts and reruns. Most of these
star Kelly Martin as a deranged stalker or someone with an eating
disorder. In my personal favorite, she plays both. It’s
called, “Mother May I Sleep with Danger?” (I know I
have asked my mother this question many times. Strangely, she
always says no. This Danger fellow must be quite something.)

And where else can you watch reruns of the “Dukes of
Hazzard” but on The Nashville Network? Bo and Luke are
paragons of American gumption and determination, plus they’re
hunky.

You know, there sure are a lot of Boss Hoggs these days,
capitalistic bullies in white suits and cowboy hats, metaphorically
speaking of course. As our economy continues to trample the
hardworking middle-class, we need to heed the lessons TNN is
providing.

When the going gets tough, the tough take mud-happy joyrides in
an awesome 1969 Dodge Charger named the “General Lee.”
TNN also teaches us how to line dance, which is certainly the 20th
century’s last unheralded American artform. Get thee to a
boot scoot.

I am not a fan of most professional sports. Thus, the Deuce, or
ESPN2, is a modern miracle. Lumberjack contests, ladies billiards,
and extreme horseriding? I never knew that sports could be this
exciting or rewarding. Bob Costas would have you believe that all
of man’s primal conflicts can be seen in the grand metaphor
of the diamond or the gridiron. Can we be anymore obvious?

The Deuce dares to create bolder and brassier sports metaphors.
Try finding the meaning of life in a miniature golf course or in a
midget bowling lane. Now there’s a brain bender you
won’t find in your 3000 satellite sports channels. I
can’t wait till ESPN3 airs freestyle walking and human
chess.

Speaking of human chess, what about Court TV? You could
literally watch every second of the O.J. trial, and after piles of
insurmountable evidence were shoveled to jurors, you get to see,
live, the formation of a huge pimple on the ass of the American
judicial system. Not that I have a strong opinion on the
matter.

As heinous a miscarriage of justice as that trial was, it
brought the courtroom into the living room, and that can’t be
a bad thing. It was a great learning experience. For instance, I
learned that my grandmother is crazy. After watching the whole
trial, she still thought O.J. was innocent.

So in conclusion, I would like to make a final plea.

If you can’t bring yourself to turn the TV off, at least
take advantage of what basic cable has to offer. Watch a
Spanish-language soap opera, or Emergency Vets or even Bob Vila.
Make the most of your set, because a mind is a terrible thing to
waste on bad movies on HBO Seven.