Spovies add color, life to athletic feats

  Adam Karon Those who wish to compete
with Billy Crystal to host next year’s Spovie Awards can e-mail
Karon along with those who just want to send comments on this
year’s columns at [email protected]. Click
Here for more articles by Adam Karon

Let’s face it, awards presentations are boring.

Anyone who watched the Heisman Trophy Award show this year would
agree. Who enjoys three hours of interviews, two hours of
commentary, one hour of sob-story video montages followed by a
30-second presentation? I’d rather watch the WWF. I’d
rather have a root canal.

The 2001 Oscars were no different. Julia Roberts cried like Dick
Vermeil, Bob Dylan sang like Allen Iverson and, aside from Steve
Martin’s jokes, the show was about as entertaining as a UC
Irvine vs. UC Riverside football game.

The last time you enjoyed an awards show was probably when you
were 11 years old and your soccer team held its end-of-the-year
pizza party. Remember how everyone got the same trophy? Even then
you were probably upset because someone put crushed red pepper on
your pepperoni and Jeremy Bigfoot (who kicked with his toe anyway)
got the MVP award. But enough about my experiences …

Perhaps two wrongs CAN make a right. So I will attempt to do
just that, combining movie awards with sports in an attempt to
alleviate the boredom of awards show.

If you are tired of tediously maddening awards presentations
then you have come to the right place. Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare yourselves for the first annual Spovie (Sports and Movie)
Awards. There will be no controversy, no lengthy introductions and
no red pepper. There will be no crying, no trophies and no thanking
mother. This award show will not turn into a fashion statement,
namely because you do not want to know what I’m wearing right
now. So grab a bag of pork rinds, a can of Crystal Pepsi, and
settle into your Los Angeles Rams patent leather beanbag chair for
the first annual Spovie awards. Please hold all applause until the
final honoree has been named.

Our first award is called the “Little Women Award.”
It is presented to the UCLA female athlete who dominates in the
under-five-foot division, and may also hold the school’s
all-time limbo record. These vertically challenged athletes must
shake off the distraction that comes with always staring at a
person’s naval to be the best they can be. This year’s
award goes to senior gymnast Mohini Bhardwaj, who is the tallest
4-foot-10 girl you will ever meet.

Bhardwaj is an 11-time All-American who solidified UCLA’s
second-straight national championship when she stuck her balance
beam routine in a do-or-die situation in Athens, Ga. earlier this
year. It’s a good thing Bhardwaj plans an uncommon return to
elite gymnastics because I don’t think the real world is
ready for UCLA’s best gymnast.

The second award is the “Rocky Award,” also known as
the “Courage Under Fire Award,” presented to the UCLA
athlete(s) who are beaten into oblivion but keep coming back for
more. This year’s honor is presented to the UCLA football
team’s defensive line.

Criticized to the point of losing their coach, the defensive
line was rendered ineffective due to season-long ailments. Kenyon
Coleman, Sean Phillips, Asi Faoa, Rusty William, Ken Kocher and Mat
Ball all played through injury, some so severe they required
surgery in the off-season. Ball’s hand was nearly severed (he
broke his wrist), Williams arm was nearly torn from its socket
(dislocated shoulder) and Faoa almost lost a foot (sprained ankle).
Some of these guys should have worn a “Full Metal
Jacket.” Regardless, this unit returns incredible talent and
will anchor a stellar defensive squad in 2001.

The next prize is the “Godfather Award,” presented
to the Bruin who collects the most hits. This year’s award
goes to UCLA senior Brian Baron. The man collected more hits than a
mafia boss, found more holes than Tiger Woods and secured more
doubles then a successful night at Madison’s. Anyone who can
tell me the name of the Bruin whose record Baron broke with his
season average of .443 gets to touch my Jim Everett jersey. If you
can name his teammate and fellow catcher (nicknamed Spanky) with
the Pittsburgh Pirates, you can wear the jersey. And those who can
tell me if Sid Bream was safe at home can buy the jersey from me
for $250.

The 2001 “Gladiator Award” goes to Head Basketball
Coach Steve Lavin, who showed considerable strength and honor this
year. Lavin shrugged off reports of a warrior named Pitino coming
to take his job and led his team into the coliseum-equivalent Sweet
Sixteen for the fourth time in five years. He also should get the
“Negotiator” award for convincing Dan Gadzuric to
return to Westwood, as well as the “Dangerous Minds”
award for encouraging Jason Kapono to return to school.

The “Bad News Bears” award has to go to the UCLA
women’s basketball team. Despite outstanding scoring from
All-Pac-10 selection Michelle Greco, the Bruins found themselves in
a 0-7 hole to start the year. However, they managed to scrap back
to win their last two games of the year to avoid claiming the
“Mission Impossible” award.

The UCLA athletic department as a whole gets the “Usual
Suspect” award for surprising nobody by winning four national
championships in 2001. In honor of Memorial Day, it is pertinent to
point out that the Bruins were best on land, in air and sea
(water). Men’s and women’s water polo held court in the
pool, women’s indoor track was the fastest on land, and
women’s gymnastics flipped through the air to victory all
year long.

But national championship awards pale in comparison to the
coveted Spovies. Each year hundreds of UCLA athletes train year
round for a chance to win college sports’ most prestigious
awards. Tune in next season for all new categories with no
commercials, boring monologues and limited bad jokes.