Forget independence; capital of cool lies in U.K.

  Ariana Brookes Brookes is a third-year
English student who knows that Diet Coke is the drink of champions.
E-mail her at [email protected].
Click Here for more articles by Ariana Brookes

If I could just have a minute with those forefathers of ours,
I’d have a word or two to say to them. I know that you
didn’t want to pay your taxes, and you thought that you were
doing the right thing fighting for freedom and all, but hey, I feel
ripped off! If it weren’t for you, I’d still be
British!

I walked out of the movie “Bridget Jones’
Diary” with a strong urge to speak with a British accent and
call my cigarette a “fag.” I cried, “I want to be
British like Bridget Jones, so I can be as cool as she is!”
So, I spent the rest of the evening speaking in a British accent
more fake than Christina Aguilera’s hair color.

The truth is that almost everything great about our culture in
the United States stems from Britain. By whom do you think our
country was founded? We’ve borrowed British music and
fashion, and expounded on British government. Sadly, the only thing
we have abandoned is the British accent. And that’s a crying
shame.

You can find a plethora of examples of this within my favorite
subject: pop culture. Rock ‘n’ roll already had its
start before the British invasion landed on our shores, but my
favorite boys and their mop-tops secured rock ‘n’ roll
in the history books. I love Elvis and his pelvis, but nothing
compares to the Beatles. They brought a sense of exoticism to a
sedated country, and they set my mother’s heart a flutter,
too.

And that was only the beginning. Mick brought his lips, and
before the industry could regain its balance, the best of the best
were either coming from England or were being influenced by those
who were. And God knows it didn’t stop there.

Britain brought us the androgynous sex-god named David Bowie,
among others. I’m not claiming that we don’t have our
own share of good artists; we do. Nirvana was amazing, and Kurt
Cobain definitely understood the influence of British musicians.
Where did grunge come from? It was those rebel-loving punksters.
Some of Kurt’s greatest influences included those kings of
punk, the Clash. British, British, British. Even Green Day borrows
from across the Atlantic with its cheesy yet genius fake British
crooning.

And what of the film industry? What would the drunken coeds
watch if the British had not given us “Monty Python?”
How would we waste away the hours in the dorms if not for the
British gift of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” and
“The Weakest Link?” And speaking of “The Weakest
Link,” the smartest thing they ever did was keep a British
host. Who wants to watch Regis placate the contestants when you can
watch “The Weakest Link” host inform contestants of
their blatant stupidity?

  Illustration by CASEY CROWE/Daily Bruin The British have
the handle on caffeine and nicotine, as well. They gave us tea! If
Americans seem to prefer coffee, it’s only because we are
still embarrassed about dumping all of that tea into Boston Harbor.
And my favorite cigarettes are named after the British legislative
body. We still have yet to name a brand of smokes
“Congress.”

Which brings me to their government. I want a royal family. Our
country pathetically tries to make up for our lack of royal scandal
by turning Hollywood into Buckingham Palace.

Seriously though, I’d rather have a promiscuous prince and
another prince with a piercing named after him than listen to how
Robert Downey Jr. has been arrested yet again. They have Prince
William, too, and I don’t think we’ve ever had someone
that hot in our first family (with the possible exception of
JFK).

Even our celebrities try to be British. Have you noticed the
abundance of fake British accents in Hollywood? Madonna tries so
hard to be British, it’s pathetic. She finally got the right
idea and just married her way into the culture. Gwyneth Paltrow
tries to work the accent angle as well, but she just ends up
sounding like “old Hollywood.” I have to give props to
Renée Zellweger because she totally nailed it in
“Bridget Jones’ Diary.”

The coolest thing is the way they knight people in England.
“Sir Paul McCartney” ““ what could be better than
that? If Eddie Vedder lived in England, would the Queen knight him,
too? What about the guys from Metallica? “Sir Lars”
would be awesome! If we are going to treat celebrities like royalty
anyway, we might as well make it official.

The British are wise in the ways of cool-dom. They know that to
be cool is to not run with the crowd. And thus, they drive on the
opposite side of the street. They’re tougher, too. You try
and play rugby! It’s no baseball, believe me. Instead of
chewing gum in the dugout, they’re just trying to keep out of
intensive care.

Even Disney knows what’s up. “Mary Poppins”
has got to be the coolest movie ever, and Cherry Lane is where
again? That’s right: England baby.

And oh, the beautiful people. They just grow them better in
England. Jude Law, Ewan McGregor, Gavin Rossdale, Hugh Grant,
Catherine Zeta-Jones, Elizabeth Hurley and even Elizabeth Taylor!
Did I mention the accents?

When it comes down to it, Britain is just a better country.
Anyone with half a brain knows this, and for the rest of you, well,
get a clue. In fact, maybe we should all move to England. That
little country wouldn’t be able to hold all of us, so it
would be forced to expand and eventually cover the entire globe. We
would all be the witty citizens of a land called paradise. Ahh, the
glory.

An Epilogue:

This is all a little pun, inspired by Pope,

Which no one will take too

seriously, I hope.

For despite all of this rubbish I’ve had to say,

I’m still glad to live in the

U.S. of A.