Gymnasts lauded, week’s weakest links discovered

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President George W. Bush welcomed the national champion Duke
Blue Devils basketball team to the White House on Monday for a
title tribute. Bush referred to Coach Mike Krzyzewski as
“Coach K,” claiming “The reason I call him
“˜Coach K’ is because sometimes I have trouble
pronouncing long words.”

Later, “just to prove to the press” that he could,
Bush correctly pronounced the wacky last name.

Bush reportedly told his friends that he was not fazed by all
the “consequents and lack of bowels.” Too bad Bush
mispronounced the coach’s first name, calling him Meekay.

The referees from the championship game versus Arizona were also
on hand for their contribution to the Duke win. Bush, mesmerized by
Duke’s “big and cuddly” mascot, did not seem to
notice.

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The UCLA gymnastics Dream Team won another NCAA championship
last weekend after some clutch performances in Georgia. As good as
UCLA basketball and football players are, it’s amazing what
these gymnasts can do with themselves. The last time I did a
handstand, the camera was upside down, and the ceiling was low. I
can hardly flip a pancake. I did score a 10 once, but I don’t
think it was very good for my SAT II writing portion. So gymnasts,
I salute you.

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Receiver Freddie Mitchell was picked in the first round of the
NFL draft and is now a Philadelphia Ego, err, Eagle. But really,
Freddie is a class act, and there is nothing wrong with being cocky
if you can back it up and be a team player. Freddie fits right into
the Eagles, who have recorded such songs as “Already
Gone,” “Take it to the Limit” and “Life in
the Fast Lane.”

On a similar note, Drew Bennett, my inaugural guest on
“Straight Up Now Tell Me,” was signed as a free agent
by the Tennessee Titans.

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The Lakers will be looking to go up 2-0 in their playoff series
with the Blazers tomorrow at Staples Center. In the first game, the
Lakers dominated the fourth quarter for the win. Portland did its
share of crying afterward, as Scottie Pippen told reporters:
“If they’re going to let (Shaq) lead with his elbows,
throw guys out of the way, then we’re going to have to change
the way we play.” Coach Mike Dunleavy added that
“he’s putting 350 pounds of torque on you, and then as
soon as you try to hold yourself, it’s a foul on you, or else
you’re flopping.”

The Blazers went on to complain that Kobe was making many of his
shots and Rick Fox was trying to steal the ball from them.
Isn’t complaining about Shaq’s size like whining about
how hard Randy Johnson throws a baseball or how high Randy Moss
jumps? Shaq is big. Get over it; there’s nothing unfair about
it. Portland, you are the weakest link. So long.

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That show is contagious. My pen died the other day and I yelled
at it, “You are the weakest ink. Later.” I got a Long
Island Iced Tea, but it was lacking tequila. “You are the
weakest drink. Adios.” So I went to see a psychiatrist, but
he didn’t help. He was the weakest, oh, screw it, I’m
an idiot.

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Baron Davis is sick. Siiiiiick.

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Today’s guest on “Straight Up Now Tell Me” is
UCLA rugby senior wing Andy Haleen. Haleen, who has more muscles
than a seafood buffet, finds it fun to run around and get hit in
the head.

Why the hell do you play rugby?

Rugby is the single greatest club sport they have at UCLA. It
combines all these weekend-warrior high school athletes who want to
party and drink and still be competitive. You don’t have to
be an exceptional athlete. You just have to work hard and try not
to get hit.

What are some of your worst injuries?

In my first game, I got a swollen jaw, so I couldn’t bite
down for a week. In the same game, I split open my eye. I’ve
split open my lip and have a permanent scar. I’ve seen some
really nasty things. But it’s a great sport.

When you tell girls you play rugby, how does it work for
you?

They usually say “ouch” and want to see me play.
It’s fun; girls love it.

I don’t think you’re so tough, buddy.
What’s the last movie you cried at?

Um. The Lion King.

Have you seen “My Girl?”

No.

That was sad. Thomas J. did not deserve to go, and poor
Vada.

I did see “My Giant.” That was kinda sad.

Do you want to fight or what?

Yeah. Let’s go.

Ow. Ow. Please let go.