Fuhl promises to save fate of several sports

  Adam Karon On a different note, Karon
recently won a Jim Everett starting lineup figure on eBay. Those
who want to touch it can contact him at [email protected].

The savior is coming to UCLA. After consecutive lackluster
seasons in football and baseball, the university has decided to
make a change. Recent overseas recruiting success has led to
intensified worldwide searching, and the people in the Morgan
Center have finally landed the big one.

“This is it,” said one unidentified source.
“We finally put that alumni money to good use, and boy will
the boosters be happy.”

Imagine a man more powerful than Kenyon Coleman, taller than Dan
Gadzuric, and able to leap Pauley Pavilion in a single bound.

Sound too good to be true? Well it gets better.

On a recent journey to the tiny island of Gullibalia, off the
coast of Triqued near southern India, Bruin recruiters struck
gold.

With visions of Dikembe Mutombo and Christian Okoye dancing in
their heads, two former UCLA athletes-turned-scouts discovered what
universities across the nation have been seeking since the
beginning of multimillion dollar television contracts ““ the
world’s greatest athlete.

Mentiro Fuhl stands 7 feet tall in his traditional Gullibalian
footwear, made from the skin of a flipperless dolphin. He strikes
an impressive figure, whether picking up the family cattle to carry
three or four across a steam, or scaling the tall Fallacy trees
that dot the landscape of his native Gullibalia.

What were two UCLA scouts doing thousands of miles away from
Westwood?

One, who wished to have his name withheld, described the trip as
an introspective journey into a land before time, as well as an
attempt to keep his job after the recent recruiting scandals.

The other, speaking on condition of anonymity, declined to give
a statement.

No matter why the two men ventured to Gullibalia, the fact
remains that they found perhaps the greatest athlete of all
time.

In addition to his height, Fuhl is extremely strong and fast. He
has been known to chase small sand hares across the plane, picking
them off the dirt like double play balls on a fresh-cut
infield.

Bruin baseball sources have stated that they would be interested
in playing Fuhl at first or third, depending on which hand he
decides to throw with.

You see, Fuhl is completely ambidextrous. He can write, eat, and
blow his nose with both hands.

Baseball officials have also been salivating at the prospect of
putting Fuhl in front of college pitching. The young man has been
known to pick up driftwood and smack unsuspecting seagulls out of
the air with remarkable efficiency, sparing the birds’ lives
but disabling their ever-annoying vocal chords.

Fuhl’s basketball potential is obvious and unlimited. The
7-footer has the quickness of Spud Webb, the leaping ability of
Michael Jordan, and the outside shot of Craig Hodges. Like Hodges,
the young man has yet to perform well on the court, but it is clear
that his potential is unmatched.

Football officials have released statements that lead this
reporter to believe Fuhl could play both offense and defense. He
may even take over more than one spot on the Bruins’
defensive unit that was misaligned a season ago. And since he has a
better arm than Jim Everett, it’s likely he’ll play
quarterback while on offense.

One Bruin footballer showed skepticism after evaluating video
taken from Gullibalia of UCLA’s star recruit.

“He’s big and and strong and fast,” said the
athlete, who wished to remain nameless. “But besides being
very intelligent and talented, he doesn’t bring much to the
table.”

UCLA officials are a little concerned with how Fuhl will adjust
to life outside his homeland. The only exposure he has to American
life is the Nike sweatshop two islands over that has since shut
down, and a 20-year-old bag of Pop Rocks that washed up on the
shore in front of his family’s hut.

However, university officials should not worry if Fuhl’s
interaction with the two recruiters is any indication of how he
will respond to Americans.

Upon landing on the island, the two men were surrounded by the
unfamiliar Gullibians. Fuhl, acting as the leader, welcomed the men
into his hut for a meal of unidentifiable meat and rancid
porridge.

His repeated requests to “just do it” were
interpreted by the recruiters as a sign to eat without regard to
the origin of food. The two men didn’t know that Fuhl’s
English was restricted to Nike catch-phrases and the nutritional
benefits of Pop Rocks, which explains his one sentence
vocabulary.

Although he has already signed a letter of intent, Fuhl will
still be subject to the same requirements as other international
players.

That means he will have to have a beautiful accent, be older
than his teammates, and be fascinated by fast food. He also will be
required to get the minimum SAT score, but that shouldn’t be
a problem judging from the fact that USC still fields athletic
teams.

With luck Fuhl could join us as early as next basketball season.
Teamed with Gadzuric, the Bruins could have the most ferocious
foreign tandem in the nation. Although UCLA track and volleyball
coaches have shown interest, Fuhl’s athletic department
translator has said he wants to focus his efforts on mainstream
sports because they have the most moneymaking potential for the
school.

Buy your season tickets now, because with the addition of this
young man, the Bruins have a legitimate chance of winning national
championships in football, baseball and basketball.

Right, and I will dunk a basketball, outrun Ricky Manning Jr.,
and go four for four against Josh Karp.

If you believe the Mentiro I just told, you are a Fuhl who got
Triqued and should return to the Island of Gullibalia.

True, it is no longer April Fool’s, but I wrote this on
the first of the month and therefore feel justified that everything
I just wrote was a lie.

Happy April Fool’s.