Garbage on Trojan court not restricted to team’s skill

Jeff and the Fresh Prints Jeff
Kmiotek Kmiotek wishes everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day
and his sister, Staci, a happy 25th B-day. Send Valentines and hate
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I’d like to dedicate this column to all the ladies out
there. Well, the single ones at least. And in honor of
Valentine’s Day, I’ve put together a comprehensive list
of my favorite professional female athletes.

1) Anna Kournikova

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Speaking of love, the Trojan company should team up with the USC
Trojans after what happened last Thursday at the Sports Arena.
Their slogan could be “Wear Trojans and prevent idiots like
these from coming into the world.”

On the court, UCLA naturally took over the game late and beat
the Trojans 85-76. But it was USC’s off-the-court antics that
stood out, as the Trojans weren’t the only things that folded
down the stretch. Some classy and mature ‘SC fans threw paper
airplanes onto the court in the second half. As one Trojan told me,
he had just learned “angles and shapes and stuff in my
geography class.”

Along with a white flag, the Trojans also threw wads of paper
and water bottles onto the court. I think Carson Palmer tried to
toss a bottle on the court, but it was picked off by a Bruin fan in
the third row. I also saw a bottle tossed in the direction of a
Trojan male cheerleader, but once it saw the “USC” on
his sweater, it veered off in a different direction.

After the game, I was assaulted by a gang of vicious USC frat
guys with spitwads. But they had a hard time getting them out of
the straw because they just sucked so much. Before I could
retaliate, their mommies came to pick them up and took them home to
finish their “Where the Wild Things Are” dioramas.

Prior to the game, Trojan guard Tyler Murphy told reporters,
“We want to take back our city. We’ve got to kill UCLA,
not just beat them. We’ve got to send a message. We want UCLA
to know who owns the city and who’s the better team.”
Thanks Tyler, now we know.

Matt Barnes had the best quote after the game. “We let
them do all the talking, then we put it to ’em. They’re
good at talking. We’re good at playing basketball.”

Now that Trojans can’t claim they’re better than
UCLA at basketball, they’re harping on the fact that their
football team has beaten UCLA’s in two of the last 10
years.

After three straight road wins, reporters all over the country
are jumping on the Steve Lavin bandwagon, although the coaches who
vote in the ESPN poll still don’t get it. UCLA, with the
second strongest schedule in the nation, remains unranked. Yet
Maryland, losers of five of nine, and Wake Forest, losers of seven
of 11, stay in the top 20. I guess that’s why ESPN stands for
Even-Sided Polls, Nope and Eastern Schools Prevail Nationally.

The Bruins did make the AP poll at No. 24, and even Athletic
Director Peter Dalis gave the team a public endorsement. The Bruins
need to beat Arizona tomorrow to have a good shot at the Pac-10
title, so when they win, rush the court and support them.

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The sports world is greatly affected by Valentine’s Day,
because it’s the athletes who get the chicks. OK, maybe I
can’t dunk a basketball, but I’m good at watching
people dunk them. Athletic skills are the reason for couples like
Rick Fox and Vanessa L. Williams, Pete Sampras and Bridgette
Wilson, Derek Jeter and Mariah Carey, David Justice and Halle
Barry, any hockey player and Anna Kournikova, and Jason Sehorn and
Angie Harmon. However, I heard Harmon wasn’t happy with
Sehorn’s abysmal performance in the Super Bowl. After the
super game, he asked her if she wanted some super sex. Angie asked
for the soup.

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Tiger Woods was the big winner of Monday’s ESPY awards,
which were boring and tedious as always. However, the show was
still deemed a success because Ray Lewis didn’t kill
anybody.