You can’t spell wedging without W

  Doug Lief Lief is a third-year English
student who wants to be Secretary of Rocky Road. Lambaste him at
[email protected]. Click
Here for more articles by Doug Lief

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me a bit
of advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.
First, turn off the green light on the porch because it attracts
mosquitoes. Second, if you ever become president of the United
States, the first 100 days of your administration are the most
important, so there is little room for mistakes. When it comes to
making mistakes, Supreme Court appointee George W. Bush is ahead of
schedule.

Taking time out to rig an election with your brother is
definitely quality time spent with your family, but it sucks away
valuable time from asking your vice president whom you should put
in your cabinet. Already Bush has proven he’s a uniter, not a
divider, unless of course your definition of “unite” is
to drive a wedge between everyone by picking abominably partisan
controversial advisors.

The first gem on the list is the choice of New Jersey governor
Christine Whitman as head of the Environmental Protection Agency. I
don’t think it’s right for an environmental
organization to be run by someone whose state isn’t known for
its sights as much as its smells. Having someone like Governor
Whitman running the EPA is like appointing Woody Harrelson as drug
czar, and given W’s penchant for blow, he just might do
it.

Far more publicized was the case of Attorney General John
Ashcroft, who only became available to work as attorney general
after losing a senate race against a dead man. Hollywood has
already jumped on the story with “Weekend at Mel
Carnahan’s” starring Steve Gutenberg and Anthony
Michael Hall.

  Illustration by ZACH LOPEZ/Daily Bruin For a president
trying to reduce partisan political division, Ashcroft was the
worst choice possible. The only Republican he could have picked who
people hate and distrust more is Richard Nixon (who also recently
lost to Mel Carnahan in a bid for viceroy of the eighth circle of
Hell).

Topping the list of Ashcroft’s unbalanced right-wing
behavior is a controversial speech given after receiving an
honorary degree from Bob Jones University, specifically, Bob Jones
University, College of Letters and Mein Kampf.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying,
“Doug, you ought to give a fairer portrayal of BJU before you
paint them as Nazi sympathizers.” You’re right.
They’re home to a lot of great athletics. Every fall they
engage in a friendly touch football game of sheets vs. skins.

Just what does one have to do to be honored by Bob Jones
University (if such a thing can be called an honor)? You need the
wisdom of King Solomon to resolve important quandaries that arise.
For example, if two people were to break the BJU ban on interracial
dating and, heaven forbid, one becomes pregnant, would the abortion
of that baby still be immoral even if it was to preserve the purity
of the white race? These are the kinds of problems that right-wing
bigots must untangle every day.

The question of whether or not Ashcroft is a racist must be
answered. According to Time.com, when Paul Offner applied for a job
in the Missouri cabinet in 1985 under then-governor Ashcroft,
Ashcroft opened the interview “by asking him if he was
gay.” It seems a rather homophobic how-do-you-do.

On a side note, doesn’t W look like that banjo-playing kid
from “Deliverance”? Even more striking is Dick
Cheney’s resemblance to the Penguin on the ’70s
“Batman” series. Someone get a cigar in that
man’s mouth.

So we know Ashcroft is BJU’s kind of guy; what else does
he stand for? At that acceptance speech he said, “We have no
king but Jesus.” It’s nice to see someone who has
traditional values, specifically those of a theocratic monarchy. I
always find it odd that a devout Christian can be so adamantly in
favor of the death penalty, seeing as Christ was the death
penalty’s most famous victim. Jesus would probably be
disappointed to come back and find that his most ardent supporters
were ignoring the most blatant lesson of his prophetic career.

Perhaps the best way to get Ashcroft to change his hypocritical
view on the death penalty would be to redefine capital punishment
as a retroactive abortion.

Whether or not you believe Ashcroft will effectively enforce
laws he doesn’t agree with is not the issue of this piece.
When the economy is strong and we are at peace, the only important
task ahead of Supreme Court appointee George W. Bush is to heal the
partisan damage wrought by his theft of the election. Picking guys
as controversial as Ashcroft does nothing to heal that wound. When
Bush says he wants to be “a uniter, not a divider,” he
is referring only to church and state.

Next on Bush’s agenda of pissing off Democrats (so as to
heal them with tough love) is an important package. Bush was given
some advice by his father that in order to seem like a good
president, he should send a package to Capitol Hill during his
first 100 days in office. That package? A very classy Hickory Farms
basket. The recipient of the package full of sausage and smoked
ham, one Senator Joseph Lieberman, was “not
amused.”

Bush was then informed by his boss (the suggestion box at
Republican national headquarters) that he should initiate an
education package. Since Bush cannot talk while Dick Cheney is
drinking a glass of water, the VP sent down the plan himself.

It is the same plan that was bandied about by the GOP during the
campaign. The central measure to reform (perhaps we should say
“deform”) the system is called
“accountability.” Accountability means that when
students in public schools aren’t performing well, the best
way to encourage excellence is to take away funding. This is like
saying the best way to encourage homeless people to get a job is to
kick them and steal their shoes.

So how does Bush plan to really help children of public schools
get ahead? The “president” has another modest proposal.
In order to solve overcrowding in classrooms and to help the
smarter kids get ahead, he has suggested that the slower children
be fed to smarter ones, so as to take full advantage of their vital
nutrients.

Bush said, “I do therefore humbly offer it to public
consideration that of the 120,000 children already computed, 20,000
may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be
males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine;
and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of
marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages,
therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That
the remaining 100,000 may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to
the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always
advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month,
so as to render them plump and fat for a good table.” But
this math may be fuzzy.

I wish the best of luck to Boy George W. The eyes of Dr.
Eckelberg are watching.